11.06.09
Posted in Advice, General, Richard Wade at 10:00 am by Richard Wade
Hi Richard,
This is something that i’ve been wracking my brain about lately. I live in Lynchburg, Virginia (yes, THAT Lynchburg) and there’s this one house on this one street that happens to be on my route to work. This guy has his own personal little church sign board you can put lettering on, and boy does he wear his beliefs on his sleeve.
For the longest time most of his messages and statements have been pretty benign. Standard stuff like “Jesus is life” and “It takes more faith to be an Athiest than a christian” (he can’t spell either).
However, over the past 6 months or so, the sign has gotten highly offensive. For example, he currently has “TURN OR BURN” on his sign. Other previously offensive things I’ve seen on that board are “EVOLUTION: A LIE TAUGHT TO CHILDREN” and “EVERYONE HAS A MASTER.” I’m just glad I work a later shift now and don’t have to stare at the other side of that thing anymore. Being that this is a sign owned by a private individual, is there anything I can do? I’m sure hundreds if not thousands of people come down that road every day and are exposed to the misinformation and hate this guy spews through that sign.
Can anything be done about this sign? I’ve tried scouring through laws for my state on google, but keep coming up empty handed. Please help!
J
Dear J,
I think you know what the answer is. Live with it, and every time you see that sign, rejoice gratefully that you live in the land of the free. The sign is apparently private property on private property. Unless it is violating local signage codes or zone regulations, there is nothing you can do about it and nothing that you should do about it.
Either we all have freedom of speech or none of us have. Any law that could shut him up could and would be used to shut you up as well. Many people have given their lives for both of you to be free to speak your minds, and I’m afraid that to protect our freedom, many more may have to give their lives yet. There will always be those among us who would forcibly remake everyone in their own image, if they could. Resist the seductive temptation to be one of them.
We need to raise our threshold for feeling offended. It seems to have become very low in our society lately. Increasingly, more people are decrying as “offensive,” smaller and smaller things that contradict their views. If this thin-skinned trend continues, since no one can see anything exactly as anyone else does, then eventually everyone will be offended by everyone else on every possible subject. We will be omni-offended.
I know it can be annoying to see some dimwit displaying his disapproval of his wide variety of scapegoats. Annoyance is inside us, not around us. It is our reaction, our emotion, our creation. If we allow too much of it to occupy our minds, it drains us of our strength, and it foments discouragement. We will never get rid of all the annoying things, but we can change how we respond to those things.
Carl Jung once said, “Everything that annoys us about others can help us to understand ourselves.” Disagree intellectually with the sign man’s opinions all you want. But you can follow your annoyance into your mind to find where you feel insecure, or have hurt, or have your own anger or resentment, and then by facing and resolving those things, you can become more serene. Imagine. Using that sign to become more serene?! Richard, you’re crazy. Yes I am. Thank you.
A sense of humor can help as well. Think of the phrase “sense of humor” literally. Not creating something that is funny, but sensing the humor that is already there in the situation. It’s there if you can but sense it. Sensing the humor in a situation brings you a measure of mastery of that situation. You can begin to rise above it.
Think of the sign as a public service announcement. If the guy wants to publicly announce that a superstitious, intolerant ignoramus who is getting steadily worse lives in this house, then thanks for the warning! If anyone has an emergency on that road, they’ll know better and go to the next house for assistance.
I’d be looking forward to my daily dose of dementia from the local kook. There’s a chuckle in it if you can first create peace within yourself.
Richard
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11.03.09
Posted in Advice, Churches, Coming Out, General, Richard Wade at 6:00 am by Richard Wade
Bill wrote a long letter that I have edited for space reasons. My paraphrasing is indicated by parentheses. For privacy, I have given him a different name.
Dear Richard,
I’m in a bit of a bind, and I have come to the conclusion that I need to seek out advice from people who lack the religious prejudices that I’ve been indoctrinated with. I appreciate any thoughts you have regarding the following situation.
I’ve been gradually losing my faith over the last couple of years. I was raised in and still attend services at what I would call a hyperconservative church in Tennessee. While I do not believe, I continue to attend out of respect for my wife’s devotion. When we got married, we were both sincere believers, and she still is. As my faith has eroded, I’ve begun to be more vocal in publicly disagreeing with the elders, who are considered the authoritative leaders on all things, at church services. During the past few months, there has been a class studying Genesis through Deuteronomy. I have never studied these books from the perspective of skepticism before.
For example, Deuteronomy 22:13-21 discusses Israelite laws addressing a daughter’s virginity. (These verses relate how if a young husband accuses his young bride of not being a virgin, it must be investigated by her father and the city elders. If she is found to be a virgin, the husband must be fined, whipped and must remain married to her for life, but if she is found to not be a virgin, she must be killed by stoning.)
The teacher and elders said we should teach our daughters to not have sex before marriage because god hates it and he demanded death for it in the past. They said that a few deaths for fornication would solve a lot of our problems with premarital sex in this country.
After hearing the tirade continue for about 5 minutes, I asked the teacher if he would kill his daughter if she sat down with him and told him she had premarital sex. His exact words were “I sure would like to kill her if that happened.” I responded that no sane parent in this day and time would kill their child, and in fact, no one in the room would do it. A parent may be upset, angry, frustrated, or feel any number of emotions, but they would not kill their own just because of a supposed biblical fatwa in the Old Testament. Furthermore, how is it just that the man only gets a fine and a beating if he is wrong, but the woman gets stoned? Should we adopt the ancient Near Eastern practice of viewing women as property?
Needless to say, my comments didn’t go over well with the teacher. He informed me that human logic doesn’t apply, and God said it, he believes it, and that settles it. This is really the church’s way of saying “You called me out, I have no answer, and therefore, I conclude that you are a douchebag.” This is just a sample of what I argue against on a weekly basis.
Is it ethical for me to continue to attend this church and publicly disagree with the leaders on these sorts of issues? Should I just come out and walk away, or should I continue to try and inject some critical thinking into the indoctrination/teaching process? I guess what I’m really asking is whether or not it is appropriate to take the fight against religious fundamentalism into the sacred sepulcher and challenge cherished beliefs in the pews instead of the public sphere. I imagine that you’re very busy, and I appreciate the time and thought you put into responding to emails like this. Thanks for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Bill
Dear Bill,
This would be a simpler problem if your wife was not involved. Without her on the scene, the only ethical problem would arise when someone in the church asked you point blank if you believe in God. Then you’d have to weigh the ethics of honesty vs. your desire to make things better.
Aside from the honesty issue, absent your wife, the rest would be a matter of weighing cost versus benefit. In other words, will you really be able to change others’ beliefs or social attitudes from the inside as a church member, and what will it cost you?
The teacher was courteous enough to tell you what you’re up against. He said “that human logic doesn’t apply, and God said it, he believes it, and that settles it.” Will your rational arguments, enhanced by your passionate outrage be enough to break through pious mulishness like that? Will your logic at least plant seeds that might sprout in a few of the more fertile minds, or will it bounce off like a BB off a battleship? I don’t know. Maybe you’re really good at it.
Remember what it is like inside the fortified mind-set from which you freed yourself. Faith, often a euphemism for unquestioning credence, is taught to be a moral virtue. Doubt and skepticism are taught to be moral vices. Merely questioning the Bible is seen as rude at best, and heresy at worst. Education is looked upon with suspicion. Science is often called the work of the devil. Here, ignorance is not merely the passive lack of knowledge. Here, it is active, robust, aggressively self-defending and self-replicating. Here, ignorance is alive.
Also remember that you’re up against men who make money by convincing people to abdicate their ability to think for themselves. Your church isn’t just a social and book discussion club. It’s a business that sells dogged intellectual conformity. Threaten the leaders’ livelihood, and it won’t be long before you’re told to quite literally get the hell out.
Because they are founded on absolute claims lacking evidence, most churches tend to be very intolerant of dissent, disagreement and dispute. They’re brittle. Dissenters don’t usually get to stay inside and work to change things for very long. More often they’re pushed out and they start their own church with their own angle on things, trying to take some of the like-minded congregation with them. This is why there are thousands of sub-sects. They multiply by dividing, like amoebas.
Bill, if it were just you alone, I’d say hey, if you like fighting single-handedly against a gang of armor-plated automatons, then go for it! I admire your valor and your pluck. Sometimes David vs. Goliath stories turn out well. Maybe you’ll turn the whole thing around, or maybe you’ll at least get them to soften their stances on certain social issues. I’d also suggest that you wear a helmet in church, and don’t walk down any dark streets.
But you’re not alone.
I cannot be sure from your letter whether or not your wife knows of your loss of faith, and what that would mean between the two of you. That is a first priority issue that would affect your other decisions.
Your wife is still a devoted believer and member of the church and a sincere believer. You said that you continue to attend out of respect for her devotion. So her feelings are important to you. It might be that nothing unpleasant will happen, but churches have well-earned reputations for penalizing people for their association with others who are seen as troublemakers, especially family members. Your actions could seriously affect her relationships with others in the congregation, and your actions could seriously affect her relationship with you.
This is your primary ethical dilemma: You must weigh your desire to do battle against what you see as a harmful influence in your community, versus the risk of collateral damage that may be suffered by your loved one. Whatever hits you take as a result of your struggle are part your choice, but someone else taking hits from that is another matter entirely.
I suggest that you talk this over thoroughly with your wife. You should at least hear what her concerns would be. To deliberate this carefully you need more information, and since you clearly think that women should be treated as persons instead of property, then she should have some input into your decision.
I see three different questions that you should consider:
- If you stay in the church, will you be able to make any change from the inside to their beliefs or social attitudes, and what will be the effect on your wife?
- If you leave the church with a public declaration of your atheism, will you be able to make any change from the outside to their beliefs or social attitudes, and what will be the effect on your wife?
- If you leave the church quietly, just stop coming, will you be able to make any change from the outside to their beliefs or social attitudes, and what will be the effect on your wife?
I don’t have the answers to these questions. I can only urge you to be very judicious in your decision. The consequences could range from good, to unremarkable, to very painful.
Richard
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11.01.09
Posted in General, Richard Wade, Science at 7:00 am by Richard Wade
The various holidays that plague enliven the year have all gone through a complicated process of being co-opted. Each successive culture that has conquered or prevailed over a previous culture has adapted local holidays to fit its own agenda, drawing the conquered populace into participating in the new culture. So local animist holidays were co-opted into Celtic forms, then Roman forms, then Roman Catholic forms, then Protestant forms, and in the United States, the latest co-opting has been into Capitalist forms.
Last night, we celebrated Celtic Harvest, Livestock Slaughter and Passing of the Dead Festival Co-opted to Roman Pagan Harvest, Livestock Slaughter and Passing of he Dead Festival Co-opted to Roman Catholic All Saints Vigil/Feast Co-opted to Capitalist Subconscious Psycho-Sexual Sado-Masochistic Eros-Thanatos Paravestite Fetish Fantasy Catharsis and Candy Consumption Night, otherwise known to the less informed as Halloween.
Since it’s such a thoroughly co-opted holiday, I’ve been trying a little co-opting of my own, turning a tiny part of it into Turn Away From Superstitious Nonsense For a Brief Moment and Be Amazed at the Real Universe Night.
It’s the only night of the year when thousands of kids and their parents are outside in the dark. So each year, weather permitting, I set up one of my telescopes in front of my house and show them one of the wonders of the night sky. I dress up in a classic wizard costume because part of the co-opting process is to resemble the previous culture’s holiday.
Last night, Jupiter was very well placed high in the southern sky, and the full moon was far to the East. The weather was perfect. About 200 little kids dressed as princesses, ghouls and ghosts came by with their parents, as well as teens in their inexplicable costumes, all on their quest for candy. Several said, “Hey it’s the telescope man!” They remembered me from previous years. That feels good.
My wife handed out the goodies while the kids and grownups took turns viewing Jupiter, a pale disk with tan stripes bracketed by two pairs of tiny moons on either side, all lined up straight. They all seemed to enjoy it, giving exclamations of astonishment. Even the few teens who were feigning being jaded brightened up and got excited.
I told them a few interesting facts just to plant the seeds of the love of science. The bit of information that was the biggest hit was that the planet is so far away it takes the light about 40 minutes to reach us, so we see it as it was and where it was 40 minutes ago. A telescope is a time machine that looks into the past. The adults showed the same expression of awe as the youngsters.
I really love doing things like this. If there’s a secular version of a “calling” this is mine. There is so much wonder, mystery and beauty in the real universe, the real world all around us. So much to inspire our best emotions, our best thoughts and our best actions.
I wish you all a very happy Reality Day. That’s any and every day.
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10.30.09
Posted in Advice, Churches, Dating, General, Richard Wade at 10:00 am by Richard Wade
Dear Richard,
My girlfriend recently asked me to come to church with her. She’s from Korea, and she doesn’t speak first-rate English, so she doesn’t know how to phrase things sometimes. She’s a very open person and she’s not interested in converting me or anything like that. She knows I’m an atheist, but she asked if I could come with her to church as just another place to go. I tried explaining to her how asking me to come to church is a very offensive question because it doesn’t respect my beliefs. Is there a better way I could explain to her why it is offensive to ask me to come to a church to attend a preaching session?
Thanks!
Brad
Dear Brad,
“I really don’t like it“ doesn’t seem like too complex an idea. That can be communicated even with pantomime, like the face you’d make when biting into food that should have been thrown out a long time ago. Your girlfriend sounds like a nice person and she’s probably not dense, so I wondered if there was some other issue going on here.
Just to see if your girlfriend being a Korean might have relevance to this, I consulted a good friend of mine, who is a member of an elite group of experts known as the Ask Richard International Research Team. She was born in Korea and has experienced being a member of more than one Korean Christian church in the U.S. She offered these insights that might help you understand what your girlfriend may be going through. She said:
“Of course, I could be wrong about this particular woman, and we should be careful not to make generalizations about nationalities too broadly. But I’ve never met a Korean who attends church regularly and asks someone else to go to church, but has no intention of trying to convert them. Although there are many Koreans in the U.S. whose spouses and partners are not as religious, the church-going Koreans are always, ALWAYS praying about them.”
“They do religion very well. It’s mixed up with the old Confucian teachings and the Christian thought, which means they are extremely affected by the pressure of duty and indebtedness. There are many Koreans who are Buddhists or even atheists, but even the atheist Koreans have the cultural Confucian upbringing. The mindset is very patriarchal and respectful of the elders and the ancestors. When you add Christianity on top of that and the belief that Jesus gave his life for yours, the sense of obligation to spread the word is very powerful. I attended a Korean church a while back, and they used to pressure the churchgoers to bring others there. ‘Just get them here, and we’ll do the rest.’ was the idea.”
My friend continued…
“It is possible that she may just want him to share in her life for another reason. If it is a specifically Korean church, rather than one with a general population, it could be as simple as wanting to introduce him to the food, since eating Korean meals after church is very common. Some people come to church just for the food, but if his girlfriend attends any church regularly, as in being a member of the church, I think chances are that she’s hoping that she can somehow change his mind about Christ.”
“If he does end up visiting her church, he would have to make himself very clear to her that he has no intention of changing his beliefs, although that will probably fall upon deaf ears. Whether Korean or American, so many Christians think, ‘If only you had the chance to hear the gospel message in the right way…’”
“Korean church people don’t push Americans too hard, just the other Koreans. They wouldn’t pressure him as much as his girlfriend to keep him coming. If he shows up once, that pressure on her will get worse. In fact, it may already be happening.”
“Since her English is not first rate, it’s likely that she goes to a Korean language church. They may have an English translation, but it’s not likely to be a good translation. It will sound like Greek to him.”
So Brad, if my friend’s experiences are relevant, this may indicate that this is not about a language barrier making it hard to explain yourself to your girlfriend. It could be that she understands you well enough, but she intends to get you there one way or another. To her, it may be much more than “just another place to go.”
Regardless of any underlying issue, it’s time to get the message across. Rather than further trying to explain why this is not your cup of tea, or why her persistently asking you is offensive, a simple, gentle and repeated “No, thank you, I’m not going” will probably cut through any barrier, whether it’s about language, culture or intention. “No thank you, I’m not going” repeated without anger or impatience, said warmly with no variation in the words. Tell her that you have no objection to her going all she wants, but “No thank you, I’m not going.” Forget explanations about why. That just keeps the subject open for discussion.
Do some research and suggest some specific things that you and she can share and enjoy about her background, such as Korean restaurants, cultural expositions and art exhibitions. She may be very pleased that you put forth the effort to explore her unique culture with her. But if you go within a thousand feet of that church, be prepared for whatever insistence, cajoling, wheedling, enticement and urging you’ve already experienced, to amplify.
Richard
You may send your questions for Richard to . All questions will eventually be answered, but not all can be published. There is a large number of requests; please be patient.
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10.27.09
Posted in Advice, Atheist Parenting, Coming Out, General, Richard Wade at 12:00 pm by Richard Wade
Hello and thank you for your time.
I grew up a christian and was raised in a baptist home (yikes). I am divorced and I have two children ages 11 and 7. I have only been an atheist for 3 years. My children were exposed to christianity from birth and still attend church with their mother, which scares the proverbial Hell out of me. They do not know of my change in ideology.
My question is, when do I talk to them about it? Even though I am an atheist, I still pray with them every night that they are with me. Now I realize this seems odd but, I believe it brings them comfort… the kind of comfort that is no different than my daughter’s stuffed alligator that she sleeps with every night… and talks to. I do not believe the alligator can hear her anymore than god would in our prayers. Am I misleading my children? or it is ok, to a point in their age, to make sure they feel comforted.
Dad of Two
Dear Dad,
This is very complicated, very delicate and there are many “ifs,” so based only on your letter, I cannot give you many definitive suggestions. I can only generally lay out for you issues of which you should be aware and pitfalls to avoid. Some possibilities I describe may sound worrisome, but it may turn out that this is resolved more easily. If I discuss something that is obvious to you, or if I warn you against something that you’d never even consider, please forgive me.
Children in divorced families are caught between conflicting loyalties. They are naturally loyal to both their parents. When their parents disagree on something important, the kids can feel uncomfortable taking one side over the other. When the parents don’t get along and even dislike each other, the kids end up having varying levels of guilt mixed into their love for each parent. They think in either/or, black-and-white terms. Understanding things like gray areas, ambiguity, nuance and compromise are for much more mature people. Even many adults never master these. So in the kids’ minds, when they are loving one parent, to some extent they may think they are being disloyal to the other.
The severity of that inner conflict and the pain involved is determined mainly by how conscientiously the divorced parents cooperate to mitigate it for the kids. In the best of cases, the parents communicate openly, and agree to make it clear to the kids that loving them both is okay, and that they don’t have to choose one parent over the other. Then the kids’ discomfort can be greatly reduced. It is also important for such conscientious parents to make it clear that it is not the kids’ fault that their parents don’t get along. Internalizing that undeserved guilt is a sadly common consequence when their feelings are not openly and frequently discussed.
In the worst of cases, the parents, focused on their own resentment for each other, use their kids as weapons against each other. They will denigrate their ex spouse in front of the kids, and even tell them to spy on the other. Meanwhile, the other parent may be doing something similar, so the children become ropes in a tug-of-war, or stones to be thrown back and forth, or very conflicted double agents. Many other metaphors would express the situation where more damage is done to the innocents in the middle than is done to the two enemies who are in conflict.
Your two kids, going back and forth between you and their mom are already caught in at least a little of this. That is inevitable, even in the best of cases. What you must do for them is to at least not make it worse. You may be able to make it better with patience, humility and selflessness.
Below are some of the “iffy” issues that are not clear here, and would affect your best course of action:
- Are you able to cooperate with your ex-wife to promote the best interest of the children?
In the best scenario, you would first tell your ex-wife about your atheism, and alleviate whatever fears and misconceptions she might have from that revelation. Then the two of you would work out a detailed agreement about the children’s religious upbringing, about how things like prayer would be handled, and how you will tell the kids about your views.
I realize that best scenarios are rare, but if there is any room there, work with it. If she is not as willing to cooperate with you as you are with her, it may take some time to negotiate with her and to coax her to focus on realistic solutions that benefit the children, but also respect both of your needs.
- Is atheism vs. religion going to be a very severe a conflict between you and your ex-wife?
If it is so contentious that it will cause the “weaponizing” of the kids, or make them the prize in a contest of who will “win them over,” then it may be preferable to not reveal your non-belief to your ex-wife at all. If you choose to not tell her about your atheism, DO NOT tell your kids about it with the requirement that “This will be a secret between us, don’t tell Mommy.” That would severely increase their inner conflict of loyalties, and it would most likely leak out anyway. A tangled mess of tension, guilt, confusion, anger and hurt would come from that. Avoid, if you can, teaching them to lie to someone they love.
- Do you want to get the kids to see things the way you do?
As a parent, it’s natural that you would want that. But the question really is, how badly do you want that, and to what amount of conflict are you willing to subject the kids? Thinking that you will be “saving” them from the evils of religion would be just as regrettable as your ex-wife possibly thinking that she’s “saving” them from the evils of atheism. Both of these mentalities are based on a vision of a future outcome that is probably colored more by emotion than reason. They both tend to increasingly focus the parents on wanting to be right and wanting to have their own way. The wellbeing of the children in the here-and-now begins to recede into the background.
You have the right to try to influence your children, and so does your ex-wife. Short of illegal abuse, neither of you have the right to completely prohibit the influence of the other. If cooperation with your ex is not an option and competition is too destructive, then your course will have to be to influence them quietly by your example. They will benefit from watching you be a man who is true to his convictions by the way he lives rather than the things he says.
Regardless of the course you take according to the considerations above, you can begin being more true to your own views by not participating actively in their prayers. When they say, “Are we gonna say our bedtime prayers, now?” you can smile and say, “Sure, you can if you want.” That subtly gives the choice to them. If they say, “Aren’t you gonna pray with us?” you might smile and say, “That’s for you kids, Sweetheart. I’m going to sit here and think about how much I love you.” That is after all, what you’re actually doing.
You compared their prayers to a stuffed toy they use for comfort. They know that you and other adults no longer use stuffed toys, and they see no problem with that. Your subtle message is that this is a thing that people grow out of.
Over the next several years, you will have thousands of interactions with them where your example will be more a powerful teaching tool than a specific tutorial. They will watch how you think things through, how you hold back coming to a conclusion while you look for evidence, and how you make it okay for anyone to question anything. When you help them with their homework, you will be frequently asking things like, “Hmm. How do we know this?” or “Okay, what evidence is there for your idea?” You will be planting the seeds of skepticism and critical thinking.
Perhaps soon, perhaps not soon, the right time will come for you to speak to them frankly and openly about your unbelief. There are so many unknown conditions in your situation that it is not possible to recommend a specific time or age that is best. At ages 11 and 7 they are probably beginning to be able to understand the basics of what you want to tell them, but there is so much variation in children’s cognitive and emotional development, and so many variables in your relationship with their mother. I’m sorry that I have to say it depends, it depends, it depends.
When the time comes, tell your kids the truth about yourself. Don’t talk about God, talk about your lack of belief, and what you need in order to believe something. Make it clear to them that it is up to them to decide for themselves what they will believe as they grow up. Make it clear that it is okay for them to change their minds as time goes by. Make it clear that you will love them if they choose to disagree with you. That must be completely true for you or it will soon be shown to be false, and it will only make things worse. Be in every breath the man who speaks the truth he lives.
Dad, your focus on wanting your kids to be comforted at this age shows that as a parent you have your priorities in the right order. It means that their wellbeing is at the top, and your personal needs taper down from that. As they grow, you will be more able to accommodate your needs with theirs so that you are not constantly sacrificing being true to yourself in order to be kind to them. It will probably be a gradual shift until they are able to be their own persons standing alongside you, having learned by your example as you adjusted to their increasing maturity.
Your kids have an excellent father.
Richard
You may send your questions for Richard to . All questions will eventually be answered, but not all can be published. There is a large number of requests; please be patient.
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10.23.09
Posted in Advice, General, Richard Wade at 8:00 am by Richard Wade
Good morning Richard.
In the past week both an employee of the company I work for and the father-in-law of a co-worker died. Non-related. Inevitably situations came up where I was in a conversation with co-workers who were all saying “At least they are in a better place now.” When I didn’t join in with that type of comment I received some disapproving views. Can you suggest a polite way to empathize with people in this situation.
Thank you,
Tony
Dear Tony,
You can empathize as a human being to human beings, about the human being you all have lost. Talk about the deceased in terms of what they did in life, especially how they related to others, how they expressed their better qualities. Keep in mind that when religious people say things like “He’s in a better place now,” the purpose is to soothe their own sadness as well as the sadness of someone who might have been closer to the deceased. Sadness needs simply to be acknowledged. “It’s sad.” “I’m sad.”
When the more religious people talk about how the person will “live on” in the afterlife, you can talk about the things that you think will “live on” in the form of good memories or of their continuing positive influence on you or others:
“He always had a constructive thing to say, was always encouraging. I want to remember that and try to do that too.”
“One time Cindy was really down and Nancy (the deceased) went out of her way to cheer her up. And you know, a couple of days after that, I saw Cindy doing the same thing for another person. It was like she was passing Nancy’s gift along.”
“I had an argument with him once, and we didn’t get along for a while. He didn’t have to, but he made it clear to me that he wanted to be friendly again. That made it easier for me to apologize for my part of it. I’m still grateful to him for that.”
Atheists and humanists tend to be very here-and-now oriented, and often have a strong trait as problem solvers. The deceased will most likely have surviving family members, and in the here-and-now they will be facing problems that need solving. Express your concern about them and ask if they need any assistance.
When the more religious people talk about their grief, ask them if there is anything you can do to help, to take care of some ordinary task while they deal with the emotions, the upheaval and the fatigue. In the throes of grief, a simple errand can seem overwhelming. An offer to do a few of these can be not only helpful in mundane terms but also deeply healing and soothing because it is a humble gesture of caring. If they say you can pray for the deceased or whomever, say that how you express your caring is by helping in some way, that you want to honor the person’s memory through something tangible. If they say thank you, but there’s nothing you can do, then just nod and accept the helplessness. Often for those on the periphery of grief, those who only slightly knew the deceased, the awful thing they have to endure is helplessness. Even if there is nothing you can do, or nothing you are allowed to do, the caring still helps to soothe those who grieve.
Or if it’s there for you, just grieve with them.
In times of emergency or danger, the vast amount of things we have in common with our fellow human beings come to the forefront, and we have no difficulty relating and empathizing with each other. Our differences in religion or politics are so tiny and petty compared with our deeper shared humanity that we completely forget or disregard them until the crisis has passed. Grief for a fallen fellow can sometimes bring us together that way, or sometimes it will happen if we put some effort and willingness into it, but whenever that amazing clarity and cleanness happens, whenever we can just be humans with humans, it can be so joyful, so refreshing that it’s a kind of second sadness when things settle down again and we return through sheer habit to our old positions, our trenches of resentment, suspicion and enmity.
Oh, would that we could remember our brotherhood in between the crises.
Richard
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10.20.09
Posted in Advice, Atheist Parenting, Coming Out, General, Richard Wade at 9:00 am by Richard Wade
I received two letters from non-believers considering baptizing their kids. Both are wondering about the ethics of the issue but they are brought to the question by different motives.
Dear Richard,
I was raised Catholic, but have not been religious for most of my life. I was fortunate to have very good parents who were happy to step back and let us grow up the way we chose. I chose to be good without God or Religion. My wife is Agnostic — also raised Catholic, but like me, disagrees with many of the teachings and representation of the Catholic church. We’re planning to start a family, and the subject of Baptism has come up. We’ve had very civil discussions about the choice to baptize or not baptize our kids, and she has slowly come around to the idea that it would be ok not to.
However, while researching schools here in Australia, we are struck with a harsh reality: in general, the private, Catholic schools are better institutions, offering better facilities, better standards, teachers, etc, than the state-run public schools. Research to date suggests that our kids will have to be baptized into the Catholic church in order to be considered for enrollment.
Now, the Catholic schools we both went to were fairly light on the religion (we don’t really have the same religious zeal here as you would find there in the US) despite the religiosity they express on many of their websites.
My concern is: we have the option to baptize our kids if we wish to have the opportunity to send them to a better school. Is it right to go through this sacrament with our mental fingers crossed behind our backs for the sake of the kid’s future?
Cheers,
Paul
Dear Paul,
By asking “is it right” I take it you are asking if is it ethical for you and your wife to keep your lack of belief to yourselves while having your kids baptized, so that the clergy and the school administrators do not know that you don’t believe in their god or their sacrament.
Short answer: No, it is not ethical because it involves deceiving the clergy and the school administrators.
Beginning of the long answer: Probably easy to fix. If deceiving them bothers you, just tell them.
I think that the clergy and the school administrators believe that the baptism will have its desired effect on your kids’ souls regardless of what their parents believe. It’s the initiation ceremony into their religion, and that is what they require to attend their school. You won’t be going to the school, your kids will. The Church will get to claim that they have more adherents, and the school will get your tuition money. The fact that you and your wife are a couple of disbelieving sinners shouldn’t be a problem. They’re used to disbelieving sinners.
It’s certainly not going to be the first time they have encountered lapsed Catholics. You and your wife were baptized into the Church and they consider you to be Catholics for life, despite your loss of interest in their theology.
If the two of you don’t believe that the baptism has any intrinsic power or significance, then to you it’s just a game that the priest and the school want to play. Let them have their fun. Scout troops, fraternities and clubs of all kinds have their rituals. If, for ethical reasons, you want to be straight forward and honest with them about the way you see things, good for you. Be tactful, brief and honest. I’d be very surprised if that would be an obstacle stopping your kids from getting into the school. The school Principal will nod his head sympathetically and encourage you to become more involved in the Church again, even as he puts your big fat check into the school cash box.
I’m also sure that there are many other parents who have similar feelings about religion and the Church, and they are also only sending their kids to the Catholic schools for the educational quality, and the schools know it, and they don’t care.
To keep it all ethically up and up with your kids, I suggest that as they grow into successive stages of understanding, you explain to them your views on religion and the real reasons why you enrolled them into that school, and how you were honest and forthright with the administrators right from the beginning. By doing that, you’ll be modeling honesty and openness for them while also giving them both the liberty and the responsibility to think for themselves.
Dear Richard,
I am a fairly new-to-the-cause atheist, though in my heart I was born one. My full acceptance of my atheism came about 5 years after I got married and my husband is completely supportive.
We have two sons, Ben, aged 4, and Eli, aged 1. My in-laws are very close to us and they adore their grandchildren. My in-laws are of two faiths, my MIL is Catholic and my FIL is a Congregationalist who converted from Catholicism. Soon, very soon, after my older son was born my FIL started asking when we were going to baptize him. Not being religious at the time but neither being aware I was an atheist, we baptized my son at the Congregationalist church. In this church, in the meetings we had before the baptism we were told that a baptism is the first step in a life of religious education, that we were in essence promising to become part of their church community and teach our son Christianity and acceptance of God and Jesus. My husband would be a Congregationalist if he ever actually went to church (never does) so he thought this was a good idea. I however was totally, knowingly lying when I made these promises. I was more interested in honoring my SIL and her husband as godparents and then having a family picnic cause I love family parties.
My FIL however, despite his conversion, feels that baptism is necessary for my child to get into Heaven should my child die. Now I know this is no longer the doctrine of any semi-sensible church, even the Catholic Church, but my FIL doesn’t agree. He honestly believes that baptizing our second son is a safety measure to count in his favor.
Should I go through the whole rigmarole to get my second son baptized when I have no intention of honoring these promises, knowing that my husband is not getting up at 8 am on Sunday to take the boys to church and that the purpose of said baptism is to appease a silly superstition that no one but my FIL believes in? (Though my grandmother would probably love it too).
I don’t see that baptizing my son will harm him or myself. I would not lie to a church this time, I would recuse myself as an atheist and make my husband take full responsibility. My husband doesn’t care about a formal baptism at all, to him religion is totally personal and internal, he just doesn’t want to deal with me getting upset! So the good to my father in law is high, the negatives to me is in principle alone, but I think the whole idea is just plain silly and superstitious. My husband has even said “Heck, I could baptize him right now if you want” but my FIL really wants the ceremony and the paper. Should I acquiesce?
Any advice is appreciated!,
Best,
Meg
Dear Meg,
In your case, your motives for doing this are to be kind to the feelings of your father-in-law and to keep peace in the family. Those are harder reasons to dismiss, and so simply being straight forward as I suggested to Paul may not be the best option. You seem to have found a way around the ethical dilemma by simply having your husband take care of it all. If it bothers you to have to repeat the lies that you told with the baptism of your older son, then let Dad do it. As casual as he is about religion, he won’t mind going through the charade, and Grandpa will be happy.
If your husband’s making or implying those promises that neither of you intend to fulfill still troubles you, then you might try to find a different way to give the kid his bath. Perhaps you could have him baptized by a church that doesn’t demand all these pointed assurances of continuing involvement with them, as long as your father-in-law is satisfied that the ritual was properly done. There seems to be a wide variety of such policies and expectations in different churches.
Promises are important to keep, and at the same time promises are made in a context. Atheists are a minority operating in very hostile territory. They are often very ethically conscious people, but they frequently pay a dear price for following the ethical principle of honesty. Promises they make for fealty to their family’s religion are usually made under duress. A set of heavy consequences can hang over them. The strong temptation to pretend agreement in order to protect themselves and others from punishment is very understandable, and in many cases, very pardonable. Agreements made in such intimidating circumstances are not freely made, and how ethically binding they are is highly questionable.
As free thinkers, we have to make our choices in ethical dilemmas using our judgment rather than following rigid rules like automatons. We want to follow a principle of honesty, but we also have a principle of kindness to others as well the right and duty to protect ourselves and others from unwarranted hurt. If we are approached by a man with a murderous look asking us where our friend went, we will lie saying that she went the other way. In this case, the principle of honesty is trumped by the principle of consideration for the friend’s safety.
Some ethical dilemmas like that one are obvious, but many involve tougher choices. Usually there is no perfect solution, only the best one we can come up with at the time, and we must take the responsibility for the consequences of our choice.
Lastly, there is a pragmatic matter. Ethics aside, each time you acquiesce to family pressure to do some religious thing, you may be buying the next demand down the road. The old saying “give them an inch and they’ll take a mile” can apply here, although they usually take that mile one inch at a time. After your father-in-law’s feelings are taken care of, who will be next in line? Only you know the complex landscape of your family’s attitudes and expectations, so you are the one who knows best if such pressures will increase or remain at an innocuous level. Just keep it in mind. There are no universal solutions to these puzzles. You have to take a guess at what will work and learn from each attempt.
Paul, your yet-to-be kids, and Meg, your two boys I think are very lucky, because their parents are thoughtful, are concerned about ethics, and are willing to find their ways through tougher choices for their benefit, rather than just blithely going the easy route without even thinking about such things. I wish all your loved ones good lives, and with you there, I think that is likely.
Richard
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10.16.09
Posted in Advice, Dating, General, Richard Wade at 8:00 am by Richard Wade
Dear Richard,
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a year and, even though she is not religious now, she has said she wants to return to the Christian faith she had as a child. Her strong connection to her religious family is a large part of that. Within the last two years, I’ve become a non-believer and have no desire to return to my Christian roots. I told her about being a non-believer early in our relationship. She has said that she would not date someone who didn’t believe in a higher power but has made an exception with me. To compound the issue, I’ve had to dodge religious questions or tell half-truths (at her request) when confronted by her family. We also plan to attend a week-long outdoor camp put on by her family’s church soon, something that I agreed to going to because of how important the annual event is to them.
My problem is that, frankly, I don’t want that much religion in my life. I grew up with it but have abandoned it for various reasons. I feel like she and I are at a point where we should start looking at the future. I’ve not told her this, but I don’t see religion in our future. I wouldn’t want to convert to her religion if her church requires it for marriage. Nor would I want to take any future children only to a Christian church and put them in a Sunday school program. I worry about whether I should tell her, because I believe it might end the relationship. If you remove the religious issue, we are just a typical (but good) couple with typical (but not huge) problems.
Am I being unreasonable? Where do I go from here?
Sincerely,
Sans Belief
Dear Sans,
You are struggling with the basic foundation of love relationships: honesty. The issue of honesty is why they succeed or why they fail. It is why they are filled with joy or filled with pain.
Early on, you honestly told your girlfriend of your lack of belief. She was honest with you about her growing connections to her religion and her preference of only dating someone who believes in a higher power.
She made an exception to this for dating you. Such exceptions often have conditions or are reconsidered later, after some amount of time. You may have discovered that she will tolerate some ways that you express your unbelief, but not other ways of expressing it.
Looking at the possibility of a permanent relationship, things get even more conditional. For instance, your not accompanying her to church might be acceptable to her, but you wanting to limit prospective children of yours from going to church or Sunday school might be unacceptable to her.
Over time, her conditions and boundaries will likely change, but it is difficult to predict which way. She might become more relaxed and accepting, or she might become more demanding of having things her way. Your conditions and boundaries also will probably change, but it is also difficult to predict how they will change.
Even minor dissimilarities in religious beliefs can be extremely divisive, and yours are major. While the two of you may find ways to adjust to your differences, you will both have to continuously put effort into keeping the wedge from working its way deeper between you. It will be constant work. Some couples can keep it up, while others eventually cannot.
But the main problem is that both of you are straying away from being honest.
She has asked you to be less than honest, less than frank, less than genuine, less than real, less than you when around her family, being secretive, evasive and telling half-truths. Let’s clear away the euphemisms. She wants you to lie to them. You have agreed to do so.
The implication is that such lying to her family will spread to lying to her as well. You’re already keeping secrets from her about your preferences for future children’s religious upbringing. Secrets are unspoken truths. Couples living together require a standard of honesty that is higher than we use in most other relationships, so unspoken truths between a couple are… lies. Lies beget more lies. The rationalizations that we use to justify keeping one truth from our lovers can be used to justify keeping other truths from them. Untruthfulness grows like a tumor, and it kills love.
I can empathize with your quandary. You love her, you like her, and you want to be with her. But you’re afraid that being fully truthful will end the relationship.
That might end it, but being untruthful will definitely end it. I have never seen a relationship that required secrets and lying to each other that lasted. The truth will out, and if you are not two people who are well practiced with facing the truth, you will break up.
If you really care about her, then you must honor her and honor your relationship with your fully spoken truths, holding nothing back, and letting whatever must happen, happen. Really caring about her, you would not want her to be in a relationship built on secrets, falsehoods and illusions. Really caring about her, you would want her to be in a relationship that deeply supports and nurtures her with authenticity, even if that would have to be with another man. Really caring about her, your being with her would not be as important to you as seeing her happy and completely fulfilled. How deeply do you care about her?
Just as importantly, really caring about yourself, you would want the same good things for yourself, and would expect the same authenticity from your partner. You can try to be a pretend person with a pretend partner, or you can be a real person with a real partner.
Sans, you asked, “Am I being unreasonable? Where do I go from here?” You’re only being unreasonable if you think that being less than forthright will continue to work. Where you should go is straight to your girlfriend with all these religious concerns and anything else that you are tempted to hold back. Lay them all out in respectful but completely honest terms.
After all that full disclosure, it will not be a matter of you waiting passively for her to choose to stay or to go. You will both have your own decisions to make. Then, whether it is with her or not, you should continue walking the path of proactive, scrupulous honesty.
If turns out that it is not with her, I don’t think you will be alone for long.
Richard
You may send your questions for Richard to . All questions will eventually be answered, but not all can be published. There is a large number of requests; please be patient.
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10.13.09
Posted in Advice, Atheist Generosity, General, Richard Wade at 2:00 pm by Richard Wade
Hi Richard,
I have recently organized for my body to be donated to science when I die. It will go to the nearest University for use by trainee doctors. I feel that my body would be better off used for the benefit of other people rather than just buried and wasted.
The problem I have is that my parents, particularly my mother isn’t happy with this and is having trouble accepting my wishes. My father is an atheist but my mother likes to conform to the Anglican way of doing things. How can I make her understand my humanist point of view?
Thanks,
Dan
Dear Dan,
I commend you for a level of generosity that will reach beyond your lifespan. To give so freely to strangers a gift so intimate, to give literally of yourself is deeply inspiring and praiseworthy. I hope that everyone reading your letter makes the same arrangements, as I did long ago. My spare parts are pretty shopworn, but if what’s left can help medical students learn to help the living, hey that’s fine with me.
First, let’s dispel any notion that the Anglican Church has any objections to donating one’s body to science. If that is all the problem is for your mother, this will be fairly easy to resolve, but I think that this may not be what is really troubling her.
I searched several sources about the funerary customs of the Anglican and Episcopal churches, and I found this from a handbook about funerals (PDF) at the Episcopal Church of the Good Shepherd in Buffalo, NY:
DISPOSITION OF THE BODY
There are three basic options for the disposition of the body, all fully acceptable in the tradition of the Episcopal Church:
1. Donation of the body to science and/or parts of the body for transplant.
2. Burial or entombment of the body.
3. Cremation, with several options for the disposition of ashes.
I also found these passages in a pamphlet about funerary customs published by the Anglican Diocese of Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada (emphasis mine):
The chief emphasis of Christian Burial should be not upon death but on Life Eternal…
…In the making of Funeral arrangements, we are reminded as Christians of the simplicity of our Lord’s own burial… Any undue concern about the body is a worldly and pagan emphasis, not a Christian one.
So as far as I can tell, the Anglican Church has no official opposition to you giving your body as a gift to help the rest of us. You might want to speak with someone in the Church who has specific knowledge and authority, just to be sure.
But perhaps your mother’s unhappiness over this is not about religion, but a very basic human characteristic, her attachment to you.
She bore you, your body came from her body. She carried, held, protected and suckled you. More than anyone else in the world, she has an intense connection and identification with your physical body.
Talking with your mother about the disposition of your body can bring up for her or any parent a deep, instinctive aversion to even the thought of the death of their child. The fact that she is more likely to die before you does not reduce this visceral reaction against the idea that you will be no more. She wants there to be something left of you. Your body that she so lovingly grew and protected must somehow continue. The idea of your body being completely gone in any form, not even as a few bones in a grave, is too real, too stark, too final, too bereft for her.
She may have troubling thoughts about “strangers” handling your body, and unpleasant visions of what will be done with it. These thoughts will also trigger that same protective instinct.
Our intellects may tell us that our lost loved one’s body is not what we should cling to and cherish. But our own bodies, being the living, uninterrupted continuation of cells for billions of years, are far older than our puny little intellects, and so they have their own very powerful priorities. Primal grief and longing for the physical presence of our loved ones can utterly trump our minds’ attempts to reconcile the loss. Rational thought takes a very long time to have any soothing effect at all on such heartache.
Drawing only upon your brief letter, I may be making more of her instinctive anguish than is really there, but regardless of how strongly this distress is affecting her, if it is at all, my suggestions of what to do will be the same:
First, find enough printed material, or get some pastoral support to be able to set aside any concern she has about “conforming to the Anglican way of doing things.” If that is all there is to it, then she’ll be satisfied that it’s not against the teachings. Be prepared to describe a memorial service that would be acceptable to both of you, one that would not require the presence of your body.
Then begin to talk to her about your humanist values, about compassion, respect, commitment to truth, equality, and promoting freedom. She is probably proud of you, as most parents are prone to be proud of their children, and she is probably especially proud of the good things that you do in your life. Your life is not made meaningful by your body doing all that breathing, eating and digesting, it’s made meaningful by what you do with it, and in your case, as a humanist, by practicing those humanist values for the benefit of others. Describe for her examples of how you put those values into action. Then show her how in this last act of yours, your death will share the same purpose as did your life, to be of service to your fellow human beings in any way you can.
By donating your body to science, you will be adding one more piece to the positive effect, the positive influence, the meaning that your life has already had, and that benefit will last beyond your physical life. Regardless of who outlives whom, that will be something unique to you and beautiful about you for your mother to cling to, to be proud of, to focus her love upon. Her son is a man who makes the world around him a little better because of the way he lives, from beginning to end.
Listen to her concerns carefully, ask open-ended questions about her feelings, accept her feelings without arguing against them, and respond with love and respect. Simply the ability to make her thoughts and feelings more clearly understood may help to reduce whatever is the root of her objection to your unselfish bequest to your larger family, humanity.
Richard
You may send your questions for Richard to 
. All questions will eventually be answered, but not all can be published. There is a large number of requests; please be patient.
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10.06.09
Posted in Advice, College Atheists, Coming Out, General, Richard Wade at 10:00 am by Richard Wade
Dear Richard,
I am a senior in high school and I am preparing to start the college admissions process. A few of the colleges that I am planning on applying to use the Common Application. The essay for the Common App is open-ended and can be written on any topic of choice.
I am contemplating writing about my experiences as a teenage atheist for the subject of this essay. I am not planning on explaining the reasons why I’m an atheist or even talk about atheism itself. I simply want to share how being a minority has affected my life by sharing my experiences. I think that it would be a very personal and sincere essay and it would allow the schools to see who I really am.
At the same time, however, I am worried about the potential for discrimination. I feel that it is risky to even mention the fact that I don’t believe in God to the people who are paid to judge my character and who also have influence over my future. Surely they have received plenty of similar essays from racial minorities sharing their experiences, but I’m not sure how they would react to an atheist doing the same.
Coincidentally, the Common App colleges that I am applying to are also my “reach” schools, so I am willing to take more of a risk with their essays. I have also done some research, and each one of these schools has a student group that is affiliated the Secular Student Alliance. Still, I am hesitant about risking my chances for admission due to my essay topic selection.
So far, I have only found very limited advice on the internet and most of it recommends avoiding the subject of religion, especially atheism. Any additional advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
College-Bound Student
Dear College-Bound,
Ah, the eternal struggle between principles and pragmatism, what ought to be vs. what works. In principle, you should be able to write about “any topic of choice,” just as it says on the application. But pragmatically, with that particular topic, you’re taking a chance that you’ll be denied an acceptance regardless of how well it is written.
In principle, with an open-ended topic the admissions staff reviewer should be evaluating mainly for your ability to express yourself clearly and skillfully, with a style that shows promise that you will be able to write appropriately for academic works.
In reality, the admissions reviewer is a human being, subject to emotions, biases and even prejudice. The loathsome intolerance against atheists and atheism is very widespread and very strong. At this point in time, discrimination against racial minorities and religious minorities such as Jews is socially taboo enough to get people who discriminate fired, as it should. Discrimination against gays and lesbians is steadily becoming more taboo, but is still accepted by a large portion of the population. However, discrimination against atheists seems to be almost universally accepted, rarely resulting in social embarrassment or penalty at all. We have a long way to go.
When broaching subjects that society is still learning to accept, timing is important. Today, someone writing an application essay about socialism would probably risk little if any negative reaction to the topic, but in the 1950’s they could kiss their chances goodbye, and perhaps even be blacklisted at colleges across the nation. Timing makes a huge difference.
Colleges seem to vary widely in their admissions policies. Is it a picky college looking to exclude applicants for any hint of controversy, or is it more open and only looking at essays to screen out people who can’t write coherent sentences? Is there a clear and practiced criteria for judging an essay, or is it subjective to the sensibilities of whoever happens to read it? You probably have no way of finding out ahead of time.
The admissions staff may have no problem with you being an atheist, or they may disapprove but try to disregard it, or they may be negatively influenced subconsciously, or they may even see themselves as protecting the college from influences that they think are objectionable and they will reject you any way they can. Their set of “principles” may not include giving an atheist a fair chance.
Your “reach” schools may have SSA affiliates on campus, but that does not necessarily indicate an atmosphere of acceptance that permeates all the way into the Admissions department.
I found an interesting website called Education Planner that seems to have some good advice on several aspects of successful college admission, including this statement about essays:
Remember, a great essay can really make an admission official sit up and take notice. However, subjectivity prevails here. Some readers are biased toward content; some toward writing style and mechanics. One applicant submitted an ambitious essay that compared the works of three Eastern European writers. Two of her evaluators were impressed by her literary sophistication and the insight of her analysis; a third couldn’t get beyond the errors in spelling and sentence structure.
College-Bound, whether or not this topic for your essay is a good idea depends on many factors that are not within your control. You have control over some of the materials you send to them, and other materials, such as your transcripts, you do not. By sending them your proposed essay, you will be relinquishing even more control to them, and to the perhaps slim odds that they will follow principles that you hope they share with you.
The problem is that in this horse race, the odds don’t pay any better if you bet on the long shot instead of on the favorite. You are accepted or rejected. That’s all you get. For taking a greater risk, you do not get a greater return.
I want to make it very clear that by starting out my response by contrasting principles vs. pragmatics, I was not implying that you would be compromising your personal principles by choosing a less risky topic. That would be a false dichotomy that does not apply at all. You have made no promises regarding your choice of topic; you owe no one anything about it. This is your bid to get into one of the colleges of your choice. You’re free to write about whatever you want.
Many atheists stress the importance of “coming out” publicly because it helps to dispel the myths and negative stereotypes and to normalize our image as legitimate members of society. In general, I agree with this, but it has to be each person’s decision, made with their own interest in mind, carefully considering the pros and cons of taking that step at any particular point in time.
You said,
I think that it would be a very personal and sincere essay and it would allow the schools to see who I really am.
Yes, I’m sure that it would be sincere and candid. I just wonder if your sincerity and candor will be honored by the people who have the choice to give you or deny you what you want. Whatever you write about, have it be something that you can express clearly, with a balance of both passion and intelligence. That could probably be several subjects. Your atheism is only one aspect of you. In your writing, demonstrate the traits that have led to your atheism: your ability to think freely, to go beyond the popular assumptions, to question, investigate and reason. Those traits apply to many more things in your life than just a question about the existence of gods.
Right now, as a beginning student you have very little power, clout or authority. If I were in your position, I’d wait until my completed education had given me enough power, clout and authority to defend myself against the inevitable backlash before declaring my atheism in an essay.
However, if I were in your position I’d be 40 years younger, and back then “the principle of the thing,” the idea that I ought to be able to write about whatever I damn well please would have been more important to me. Over the decades, I’ve become more pragmatic. I’ve charged up several hills with my comrades only to find myself at the top facing the enemy alone, so I’ve learned to pick my battles and most importantly to pick the right time.
You should eventually write this essay, and I hope that many people read your story. I just would hate to see one more paragraph in it relating how your education was hampered because of another incidence of the bigotry that so many of us have experienced, simply because you made your move too soon.
I wish you the very best of experiences in your education and career. This is the beginning of a wonderful and challenging time in your life.
Richard
You may send your questions for Richard to . All questions will eventually be answered, but not all can be published. There is a large number of requests; please be patient.
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