05.07.08
Posted in Contests, Friendly Atheist at 3:00 pm by Hemant Mehta
Last week, I ran this contest:
What will be the title of Ben Stein’s next film?
Here are the Top 3 responses (with submitters)!
3|
Give Ben Stein Money
After losing losing his shirt with “Expelled,” this documentary follows Ben Stein on skid row as does anything to regain his fortune.
(William)
2|
Career… Career… My Career… anyone seen My Career?
(Tom in Iowa)
1|
All Washed Up: The Soap Conspiracy
Ben Stein takes on the Germ Theory of Disease and discovers how doctors washing their hands led to the slaughter of the Armenians during World War I. Of course ‘all washed up’ also describes Stein’s career.
(Darwin’s Dagger)
…
Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!
…
If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest (coincidentally also via Darwin’s Dagger):
What programming would appear on an atheist cable TV network?
Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.
Good luck!
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04.21.08
Posted in Contests, Friendly Atheist at 6:00 pm by Hemant Mehta
Last week, I ran this contest:
Atheism similes!
Fill in the blanks:
Atheists are like _______ because _______________.
or
Atheism is like _______ because _______________.
Here are the Top 10 responses (with submitters)!
10|
Atheists are like butter. Once we’re warmed up we spread easily
(*The submitter’s follow-up*:)
Wife: You know there are two ways to take the “spread easily” right?
Me: What? What do you…? Oooohhh…
(Skeptigator)
9|
Atheists are like smart primates because we are, in fact, smart primates.
(Keith)
8|
Atheism is like money because the only people who believe it can’t bring you happiness are the ones who don’t have it.
(Renacier)
7|
Atheism is like shopping at Whole Foods. All natural, more expensive to maintain the habit (at least in the States), and you’re mostly surrounded by white people.
(P.S.)
6|
Atheism is like bondage — both are sexy, stimulating and require an open mind.
(Kathryn)
5|
Atheists are like sheep, because… well, because that’s what they’re like, and you’d best not question it, because that’s what our forefathers’ forefathers taught us and passed down through the ages, and back then, people knew the TRUTH and they didn’t color it up with modern lies and sinful ways, and we need to GO BACK to those days and reconnect with the early times when we were still living in harmony in the garden and not leaning on our own understanding of things we can never understand and have only progressively misunderstood even worse which is why the world has been falling apart for the last 2000 years out of the 6000 it has existed, all of which PROVES BEYOND ANY DOUBT that atheists are like sheep.
(ashes)
4|
Atheism is like an integer because it is rational.
(Math reference… bonus points?)
(Hemant says: Hell yes!)
(J Myers)
3|
Atheists are like cockroaches because for every one you see there are a thousand you don’t.
And they’ve been around forever and will never go away.
And most people react disgustedly when they see one.
(Theo Doersing)
2|
An Atheist is like a condom: Doesn’t break under pressure, scientifically reliable, keeps away any unwanted side-effects, it beats praying and more than one usually scares the crap out of the church.
(Ray Harrington)
1|
Atheists are like OB/GYNs. It’s our job to peer into the darkness and help bring life out of it.
(Polly)
Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!
…
If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:
Spazeboy recently sent me this picture:
Cute, amusing, etc.
Forget the writing, though. The first thing I noticed was the misspelling of the word “atheists.” Just a simple mistake, I figure.
Surely we could do amazingly hilarious things if we deliberately tried to misspell words…
Here’s the challenge:
Create a poster/saying about atheism or faith that becomes humorous with a *slight* change in spelling.
If you create a poster, just send it to: 
Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.
Good luck!
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04.11.08
Posted in Contests, Friendly Atheist at 12:00 pm by Hemant Mehta
Last week, I ran this contest:
If religions were flavors of ice cream, what flavors would they be and why…?
Here are the Top 5 responses (with submitters)!
5|
Jehovah’s Almond Fudge because its flavor is just heavenly and more than a little nutty.
(Laurie Soule)
4|
I just envision someone with a picket sign reading, “It’s Ben & MARY, not Ben & Jerry!”…
(Ray Harrington)
3|
Judaism ice cream is whatever flavor your mother slaved over for days to make for you, and aggravated her arthritis, so would it hurt you to call her once in a while?
(Ubi Dubium)
2|
I’ll go with chocolate, because it’s copied in so many other flavours, and no matter how much, people keep eating it right up.
(Aditya)
1|
Neapolitan, because they only choose the parts they like and leave the parts they don’t.
(Derek)
Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!
…
If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest (sticking with the previous theme):
Atheism similes!
Fill in the blanks:
Atheists are like _______ because _______________.
or
Atheism is like _______ because _______________.
Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.
Good luck!
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04.02.08
Posted in Contests, Friendly Atheist at 7:00 pm by Hemant Mehta
Last week, I ran this contest:
If religions were fonts, what fonts would they be and why…?
Here are the Top 10 responses (with submitters)!
10|
The font for Scientology would be Times Extra New Roman, which they promise is newer and better than all the old fonts, costs $10,000, but ends up looking exactly the same.
(Please don’t sue me.)
(HM)
9|
Times Old Roman - because there’s nothing like some good ol’ fashioned human sacrifice, child boinking and lead poisoning induced brain tumors.
(Boo)
8|
Times New Roman Catholic - Important letters wear a mitre in the form of a 15pt caret.
(Paineroo)
7|
Courier, a font based on an obsolete technology (typewriters).
(Darwin’s Dagger)
6|
doesn’t matter AS LONG AS IT’S WRITTEN IN CAPS
(ash)
5|
Wingdings - It says a lot, but none of it makes any sense.
(Godless Geek)
4|
Times New Roman 12 pt, because it’s what they were given by default and they’ve never thought about other options.
(Epistaxis)
3|
Arial Narrow-Minded
(John Pritzlaff)
2|
I’m going with MT (monotype) Symbol.
Say it out loud: “M.T. Symbol.”
(Perfect Fool)
1|
Catholicism would be You’re Going to Hell-vetica
(Wasyl)
Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!
…
If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest (sticking with the previous theme):
If religions were flavors of ice cream, what flavors would they be and why…?
Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.
Good luck!
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02.20.08
Posted in Contests, Downloadable PDFs at 3:00 pm by Hemant Mehta
Last week, I ran this contest:
What did you (or would you) give up for Lent?
Here are the Top 3 responses (with submitters)!
3|
I’d give up Klondike bars.
Then, when someone asks me what I’d do for one, I’d say “not break my lenten sacrifice, jerk!”
(Brad)
2|
I’m giving up my civil liberties (what’s left of them)… as a practice run just in case Huckabee manages to pull out a win.
(Anne)
1|
i’m giving up the shift key. among other things, this means no money, no email, no quotes, no questions, and no excitement. i’ll probably miss the snide parenthetical remarks most.
(John)
Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!
…
If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:
Recently, Jesus was struck by lightning:
Why was he being punished by God?
(Thanks to Chris for the suggestion!)
Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.
Good luck!
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01.29.08
Posted in Contests, Friendly Atheist at 8:00 pm by Hemant Mehta
Last week, I ran this contest:
What would have to happen for you to start believing in a God?
Thanks again to Patrick for the question!
Here are the Top 5 responses (with submitters)!
5|
Adriana Lima turns out to not be a virgin, which means that some man has sold his soul to the Devil of that privilege, which means the Devil must exist, which means God must exist.
(Paineroo)
4|
Automatic Orgasm Button!
And, um, World Peace?
(Jen)
3|
It would require a miracle… The spontaneous regeneration of Ray Comfort’s brain.
(J.S.Brown)
2|
America elects a black guy or a woman as president*
* not valid in the event this happens
(Skeptigator)
1|
Three more inches. No, make it four.
(Justanotheratheist)
Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!
…
If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:
Tell us about your new religion. Name, followers, rules, etc.
Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.
Good luck!
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01.23.08
Posted in Contests, Friendly Atheist at 8:00 am by Hemant Mehta
Last week, I ran this contest:
What is this dog thinking?
Here are the Top 5 comments (with submitters)!
5|
“If I move my rear end two inches to the left, I can drop it right into his slippers.”
(GDad)
4|
“What’s that you’re saying, God? Timmy’s little brother just fell down into the well? And it’s up to ME to rescue him?”
(Robin)
3|
“Halfway onto the bed! Stay calm, don’t make the first move.”
(Pip)
2|
“Oh mighty Anubis, even though he prays to false idols, please deliver him anyway to the Kingdom of the Dead.”
(Jeff)
1|
“Lord, I am your humble servant. Please grant me 72 bitches in the Afterlife.”
(David)
Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!
…
If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest (suggested by blog reader Patrick):
What would have to happen for you to start believing in a God?
Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.
Good luck!
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01.13.08
Posted in Contests, Friendly Atheist at 7:35 pm by Hemant Mehta
Last week, I ran this contest:
What will be the New Year’s Resolution for any of the “New Atheists” (Sam Harris, Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Daniel Dennett, etc.)?
Here are the Top 3 resolutions (with submitters)!
3|
Hitchens’ resolution - Get a fragrance named after him. The scent? A combination of whiskey, rum, tequila, and cigarette smoke.
(JoshH)
2|
Hitchens: This year, I will do more drinking, and less thinking.
(William)
1|
Dawkins: This year I’m going to give up this preposterous accent and switch to a Southern Drawl.
(Munjaros)
Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!
…
If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:
What is this dog thinking?
Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.
Good luck!
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12.31.07
Posted in Contests, Friendly Atheist at 4:28 pm by Hemant Mehta
Last week, I ran this contest:
Complete the next line(s) of the poem:
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
I was just expecting a couple lines, but some of you wrote entire poems! And they were awesome. I’m only included some lines of the winning poems below, but the link provided sends you to the entire thing.
Here are the Top 5 lines… or more (with submitters)!
5|
In the week before Christmas, commercials abound
Letting us know of the sales all around
The billboards were run by the highway with care
In hopes that consumers soon would be there…
(Full poem)
(Tim)
4|
My life mate and I, seeing kids off to their bed
Decided to stay up and watch TV instead.
Then as it went on our ears burst in pain
FOX News was having its ‘War on Christmas’ again.
(Anatoly)
3|
As the pious Christian families were kneeling in prayer
The atheists began a war on christmas, Bill-O did declare.
“They hate the sweet baby Jesus,” the right-winger host did say.
“Stop giving gifts, heathens. This is our Good ‘Ol US of A.”
Sure, we don’t mind, you can have prayers and your nativity
But we just prefer Einstein’s theory of relativity.
(Josha)
2|
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,
We hide in silence, the creatures and I, all equally fearful,
Outside the Evangelicals swarm, they’ll give you an earful
Yowling and buzzing, a song of insect and cat,
A hideous, horrible, heinous Hillsong, if you could imagine that,
“Lord this, Lord that, baby Jebus be praised,
Believe us, The Word is Truth. You’ll be shocked and amazed!”
(Full poem)
(Bartlett)
1|
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
For the mouse was dead, the children sedated,
And Santa was late, the neighborhood gated.
He got to the house, nanosecond to ten,
Dropped off the coal, in the atheists’ den.
He does this work early, to save him some stress,
The naughty were many, logistics a mess.
(Full poem)
(Tolga K.)
Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!
…
If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:
What will be the New Year’s Resolution for any of the “New Atheists” (Sam Harris, Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Daniel Dennett, etc.)?
Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.
Good luck!
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12.04.07
Posted in Contests, Friendly Atheist at 11:32 pm by Hemant Mehta
It’s been a little while since we’ve done a contest… A lot of you bailed on me for the roommate contest (thanks to the few who submitted stories!), but Richard stepped in and ran an atheist limerick contest that is just begging for a winner.
So… here are the Top 5 limericks (with submitters)!
5|
After the twin towers fell
My anger started to swell
Theist’s invisible friends
Yield such horrible trends
To my atheist meekness, farewell
(Ben)
4|
The theists say they have the truth,
and all was created in a poof,
but I say I’m right,
I’ll put up a fight,
Spaghetti’s a much better spoof.
(Michael B.)
3|
There once was a fellow named Hitch,
He advanced an irregular pitch:
“That Mother Theresa?
I’ll give her a piece o’
My mind, that old, fraudulent bitch.”
(Sexy Secularist)
2|
Why reject our dear Lord’s great command
When the reasons for faith are so grand?
There’s the Bible so sweet
The flagellum so neat
And bananas fit right in your hand!
(Greta Christina)
1|
A pain in the ass named D’Souza
Thinks God Is Not Great is a louza.
But by hitchin’ his game
To Chris Hitchens’s name,
He’s managed to stay in the nouza..
(The Exterminator)
Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!
…
If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest.
Pope Benedict XVI recently wrote an encyclical where he blamed atheism for bringing about the ”greatest forms of cruelty and violations of justice.”
I know what you’re thinking.
The Pope against atheism?
Never.
Which leads us to the question:
What other shocking statements will the Pope make in his next encyclical?
Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.
Good luck!
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