Friendly Atheist

One of my recent favorites is Numbers 5: 12-27 (the Law of Jealousies) where a man who has become suspicious of his wife’s infidelity can take her to the temple and have a priest force her to drink a potion that will cause her to have an abortion if she is guilty.

Verse 22 says “And this water that causeth the curse shall go into thy bowels, to make thy belly to swell, and thy thigh to rot: And the woman shall say, Amen, amen.”

It’s hard to pick just one verse that captures the full story here, so it may not be well suited for this app though.

Bible quotes are like fortune cookies. You have to add “in bed” to the end:

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, in bed. (Matthew 7:12)

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord in bed! (Psalms 27:14)

Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good in bed. (1 Peter 3:13)

Oh, the bible… an unending source of pure comedy (and violence, bigotry and just very poor science).

Have I conceived all this people? have I begotten them, that thou shouldest say unto me, Carry them in thy bosom, as a nursing father beareth the sucking child, unto the land which thou swarest unto their fathers? Numbers 11:12

Not to mention all the people who keeps falling on their faces. Good old slapstick comedy.

Then Moses and Aaron fell on their faces before all the assembly of the congregation of the children of Israel. Numbers 14:5

And they fell upon their faces, and said, O God, the God of the spirits of all flesh, shall one man sin, and wilt thou be wroth with all the congregation? Numbers 16:25

And when Moses heard it, he fell upon his face. Numbers 16:4

And to top it off with some revelation:

[...] the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth. These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. [...] Revelations 14:3-14:4

“Ew, cooties!” What, is God like seven?

/Love, S.
(That got kind of long, didn’t it? By the way, you don’t have to send me any code, don’t have an iPhone and don’t intend to get one… ever.)

P.S. “[...]David arose out of a place toward the south, and fell on his face to the ground[...]” 1 Samuel 20:41

… P.P.S. “And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground.” 1 Samuel 25:23

Malachi 2:3 (King James Version)

3Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it

2 Kings 2

2:21
Elisha went out to the spring of water, threw salt in it, and said, “This is what the Lord says: ‘I have healed this water. No longer will death or unfruitfulness result from it.’ ”

2:22
Therefore, the water remains healthy to this very day according to the word that Elisha spoke.

2:23
From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking up the path, some small boys came out of the city and harassed him, chanting, “Go up, baldy! Go up, baldy!”

2:24
He turned around, looked at them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two female bears came out of the woods and mauled 42 of the youths.

That.Shit.KILLS.me! How could something like this ever be in a holy book, and how do people defend such blatant bullshit. Kill 42 kids for calling a bald person Bald? Gag me!

How awesome. I first tweeted that last weekend with the #atheist tag. I used it as part of my Priest costume. I would get people into having me read a passage from the bible, and I used this app for my selections. Had quite a few people try to tell me that some of them were fake.

Aw, Pony named my favorite. But then there is Jeremiah 8:17 :

For, behold, I will send serpents, cockatrices, among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you, saith the LORD. “I will send serpents, cockatrices among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you.”. KJV (not the conservative version)

I had to look up cockatrice: a serpent, hatched from a cock’s egg, that can kill with a glance. I think that would make a cool pet.

Genesis 1:26
Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.”

I second Ezekiel 23:20.

Also, 1 Kings 21:21. “Behold, I will bring evil upon thee, and will take away thy posterity, and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall.”

Thus saith the LORD of hosts; Behold, I will send upon them the sword, the famine, and the pestilence, and will make them like vile figs, that cannot be eaten, they are so evil.

–Jeremiah 29:17 (God hates figs)

And he made a molten sea, ten cubits from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, and his height was five cubits: and a line of thirty cubits did compass it round about.

–1 Kings 7:23 (That one is for all the math teachers out there)

Matthew 15:11 (especially for Rush, Beck and their ilk)

It is not that which goes into a man’s mouth that defiles him but that which comes out of it.

and for expansion:

15:17 Do not ye yet understand, that whatsoever entereth in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the draught?
15:18 But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.
15:19 For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies:
15:20 These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not a man.

Judges 19:20-29 (NIV)

20 “You are welcome at my house,” the old man said. “Let me supply whatever you need. Only don’t spend the night in the square.” 21 So he took him into his house and fed his donkeys. After they had washed their feet, they had something to eat and drink.

22 While they were enjoying themselves, some of the wicked men of the city surrounded the house. Pounding on the door, they shouted to the old man who owned the house, “Bring out the man who came to your house so we can have sex with him.”

23 The owner of the house went outside and said to them, “No, my friends, don’t be so vile. Since this man is my guest, don’t do this disgraceful thing. 24 Look, here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish. But to this man, don’t do such a disgraceful thing.”

25 But the men would not listen to him. So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. 26 At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay there until daylight.

27 When her master got up in the morning and opened the door of the house and stepped out to continue on his way, there lay his concubine, fallen in the doorway of the house, with her hands on the threshold. 28 He said to her, “Get up; let’s go.” But there was no answer. Then the man put her on his donkey and set out for home.

29 When he reached home, he took a knife and cut up his concubine, limb by limb, into twelve parts and sent them into all the areas of Israel.

The reviews on the App store are pretty funny.

I love the upset fundagelicals.

Leviticus 26:29
“You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters.”

God makes you eat babies? Can’t beat that.

Best misinterpretation: 1 Samuel 18:3-4

“Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that [was] upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle.”

Could be getting a little close to Leviticus 20:13, aren’t we…

“God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie” – 2 Thessalonians 2:11

Here’s the link for the app!

The bible must be true, because it tells us which kinds of clothing will wrinkle and look inelegant. Here’s a hint from Helouise, in Jesus name, ramen.

Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together. Deuteronomy 22:11

Remember that this commandment is one of the 613 things that is an abomination to the lord. For 3000 years, people have known that bad clothing deserves death.

Here’s my favorite verse in the bible. It commands all women that they MUST be lesbians. It is an abomination for a woman to lie with a man. A woman should only lie with a woman. It is the word of the lord.

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. Leviticus 18:22

I don’t think I am misinterpreting this, as the bible presumably means exactly what it literally says, in plain English, just as Moses wrote it. (He wouldn’t use the British version, of course, but only the real, American version of our holy English language.)

Gen 1:1

@ Alan E. : Really? So glad someone used it ‘for real’. All quotes are from the King James version, so they’re defenitely not fake! Thanks for the tweet. I’m @francis_dierick on Twitter.

@ scsalon: I hope you’re above 17 & managed to buy it

… word is that Hemant will be announcing the winners soon!

I, for one, think this app would be way better if it had odd quotes from many different religions and their holy books.
It would show the fact that every religion
has a bit of awkwardness to it.

Other than that, I want this.
Great stuff for boredom.