Posted by Hemant Mehta in I wrote about Kate and Erik a while back — they’re the atheist and Christian couple who found a way to make their relationship work. Both comment on this site frequently.
There’s a bit of an update…
They’re engaged!
I take full credit, of course. (The first child better be named Hemant.)
Congratulations to them 
I have been in a serious relationship with a Christian lady for going on 5 years now. It can work…sort of. I just have to keep my mouth shut when she goes to church every Sunday and writes a check for 1/10th of her modest income…every Sunday…every freaking Sunday…but somehow, it works
I’m about to propose to my Christian girlfriend!
Congratulations!! I love a good wedding, even the ones in churches
Congrats!
HAHAHAHA…we’ll consider the name!!!
But in all seriousness, Hemant and his book deserve a lot of credit. Erik and I read it early on in our relationship…it was the first book we read that we agreed on, and it paved the way for us reading a whole host of other religious/non-religious books together and sparked many wonderful discussions! It was the book that began to show us we could be compatible.
Oh and it’ll be in a church – that building you see behind you is Duke Chapel! He proposed on the very top, as the 5pm carillon bells were being played. The bell-player even played “Ode to Joy”, just for us, as a bonus song. It was incredibly romantic and I couldn’t be happier.
Let that be a lesson to the atheist women on here…don’t rule out a Christian guy!
This one swept me off my feet! We still have our own (non)beliefs, but I couldn’t ask for anything more. I get to marry my best friend. 
THANK YOU, HEMANT!!!
Congratulations!
As for:
It could be worse, at least he isn’t asking for a snack
Congratulations & best wishes to you both.
Congratulations. Mixed marriages can work. We are all “mixed” in all sorts of ways. That’s what makes life interesting.
Thanks for telling our story, Hemant! I hope more people realize that love really can transcend religious differences. For me, that is a core part of my Christian faith: Jesus loved without regard to differences and I should, too. In the end, Kate and I have such a great deal of compatibility in all other areas that the religious differences are often overshadowed by everything we DO have in common.
As for the name of our first child…does it have to be only a boys name? We could name a girl Hemant but I’m not sure you would like that…
That’s really cute- (pokes the hornet’s nest)- and will you guys get married in a church, or on a godless beach?
Good luck, but it sure seems like tap dancing through a mine field – only a matter of time before boom!
I thought I recognized the campus!! I’m in Raleigh
Congratulations! I wish you all the best, but take it from an atheist married to an ex-Christian/agnostic (who can’t be bothered to think about religion and associated philosophical issues) that it is easy to reconcile your disparate beliefs and live harmoniously, as my wife and I did for a decade, until you have children, when the real contentious religious issues come up.
I’m going to engage in a little “over-sharing” here because this is a really important issue. Here are some examples from my own experience. My wife put our daughter into a Methodist day care, over my objections, because it was relatively high-quality for the cost. No big problem, it was otherwise a good school, but much to my chagrin my daughter began insisting at home that we thank the invisible Sky Daddy(tm) for the food we were about to eat. Irksome, but not horrible, right? Also, my wife objects to me telling our daughter that the real meaning of Christmas is Santa, generosity, and the Winter Solstice. My mother-in-law makes overt attempts to brainwash my children and I get no support from my wife in resisting it, just scorn for “taking it so seriously”. None of these are real “deal breakers” but I can tell you, they do add up.
How about everyone in a “mixed” relationship write in their little “friction points” so that this young couple can get a preview and have a chance to discuss before they make the most important commitment of their lives?
I really do wish you all the best luck in the world, which coming from an atheist is the strongest possible statement of goodwill, but I want you to know that you are facing a bigger challenge than you think you are right now and there will be times when your maturity and commitment will be under great strain. You can do it, but it will take great commitment, tolerance, selflessness, understanding and love… from both of you. Hell, what am I saying? Marriage takes that anyway!
Again, best wishes!
Haha, we’ve gotten many a preview over the past few years!
Thank you all for the encouragement and best wishes. We look delighted in the picture but trust me, we’ve been together for a long time and have struggled our way through many serious conversations. This was not a light decision. We’ve read books, seen a wonderful counselor, discussed, discussed, and discussed. Like Richard said – we’re all mixed. And marrying for religious compatibility might not always be a sure thing…people change all the time, and the “match” you marry might change their views to be something different.
I’m married to a Christian and we are raising kids. For us there is kind of a “religious pendulum” that is free to swing back and forth. We started the marriage out not joining any church… just visiting one every now and then. My wife’s concession to me. Then when the kids got older (9 and 4) my wife wanted us to join a church so our kids could get some basic religious exposure. I said “sure”. My concession to her. It was an evangelical church populated mainly by fundies. It was an interesting experience. I personally got to learn a lot about the fundi mind-set. I did let our kids know that I didn’t believe the stuff they said even though I was going. Incidentally, my wife doesn’t believe in a literal interpretation of the bible and all the hell stuff. After 2 or 3 years I started to stay home Sunday mornings. Our kids wanted to stay home too and after a while, my wife got tired of forcing them to go and stopped going herself every Sunday. The pendulum is now kind-of back in the secular world. Will it swing back the other way in a different incarnation of religion? It probably will. That is how we successfully have a marriage with kids between a Christian and an atheist. My only advice is to follow the command “Put your marriage first” instead of “Put God first” or “Put your atheism first”.
Jeff, you make a lot of sense. I think the most important piece of advice is the last one. “Put your marriage first.” I have been married to a Catholic (albeit non-practicing)(Kate’s dad) for 27 years so I know that works!
All kinds of relationships can work or not work. It all depends on the people in them
@grazatt, Let me fix that for you:
All kinds of relationships could work. It all depends on the will of the people in them.
Married for 14 years with a Catholic, previous Catechist girl, who misses their church in Mexico, but knows that churches in USA are crazy. I almost convinced her that she is really a Deist, not really a catholic
Oh, and guys: Congratulations on your engagement!, very happy for you!
My girlfriend is a conservative, pro-life christian woman. Voted McCain hates Obama. I am an liberal, pro-choice, atheist man. I voted for Obama, wouldn’t say I hate John McCain though.
She’s very nonjudgemental and so we just click. Can’t explain it. But I imagine it’s more common than most people think.
As another Atheist married to a Christian, I salute you guys and wish you the best! Sure challenges will come (as stated above, espcially with kids), but love and comittment can overcome all!
I’m also in a theist/atheist relationship which has had it’s bumps lately as we tried to figure out a way to make the differences work! Your story is truly inspirational and I’m so glad you shared it, it gives me hope!
Congratulations and the best of luck to both of you! (even if you are Duke fans… Go heels!)
Thank you!! Yes, we’re both Duke fans…and State fans…boo Heels!
C-aaaaaaaa-rrrrrooooo-llliiiiii-nnnnnaaa! Hate State!
I’m an atheist married to a moderate (Episcopalian) Xian. Married in a church — to me, the commitment was the important thing, not the folderol attached to it, which included the religious service, the church, the flowers, etc.
We’ve been married 5 years and have a three year old little girl. As a previous poster said, children provide the only real friction point over atheism — it’s not as if there is a god or goddess actually making a difference in people’s lives, so the only time to talk about it is when discussing what fairy tales to impart.
I let her take the wee one to church, she let’s me tell her “Say hello to Mommy’s imaginary friend!” when they leave. I actually think that it is better for her to be exposed to a less-crazy religion at a young age. When she gets to be a teenager she will, of course, be flipped out in search of meaning and I view Episcopalian upbringing rather like cowpox: take the small hit and avoid the small pox.
Other than the Duke and State stuff you seem like nice people, so good luck! (And in deference to my wife, go Davidson!)
I grew up in an evangelical home and have been a fairly mainstream Christian for most of my life. About three years ago, I began to have serious doubts about my faith and have ultimately come to totally repudiate my believe in God. It really seemed like a one way path and once you cross the line from being a doubter to a real non-believer, it is all over. Even if you want to go back, you can’t.
My oldest daughter is studying to be a youth pastor in an evangelical church. My wife now works for our church. She admits that she feels like she has to make up for my lack of religion by being the perfect Christian at all times. She believes that Satan is to blame for my thoughts and eventually God will take me back.
I tried reading some books like Lee Stroebel to cure my condition, but they really just made me more secure in my belief. Every chapter ends with a simple declaration that if you just believe in God, everything makes sense. It is quite simple, “Believe requires belief.” And i’m afraid that once you step out of belief, you can never go back. The world of Christianity just makes no sense to one who has totally lost their belief. It is fundamentally different than just serious doubting.
The only good thing is that my family is accepting of my evolutionary belief. They just think that God guides the process. I suppose that when a pitcher throws a curve ball that God guides it to home plate. I just believe that the ball would get their because of a combination of physics and the rules of gravity.
I’m really not sure how this will all turn out.
I have been in a relationship with a christian man for about the last year. We did not quite live the Christian lifestyle, and now he has changed his mind. We were ready to move into together, and his faith caught up with him. He wants to marry a good christian woman, and have that relationship in his life. I am kind of stuck, im not quite sure how to continue. Should i try out the whole church thing? We were going to get married. I want to marry him, I love him, and I am not sure what to do. Is it possible his faith is that important? More important thatn me?
I am an atheist married to a christian and it works fine. He doesn’t go to church or talk about god though so it is pretty much like being married to an agnostic.
Ashley,
I believe that is your boyfriend won’t be with you just because you are not a good christian woman after a year of dating it is probably a sign of bigger problems. You could pretend to be a christian for him but I am guessing it will never be good enough anyways (he knows you don’t believe). If he can’t accept you as you are he isn’t the kind of guy you would want to marry because he will always be trying to change things about you.