Now that I’m older (turning 30 next month), I fully appreciate all the ways that my dad’s ministry positively affected my life and the person I have become. I moved to a new city and thought i would really like a church where not everyone knows who I am, but really it just makes me appreciate my home congregation.

namaste and blessed be,
katie sev

I am a PK. I am the son of two PKs. One set of grandparents were missionaries and then Grandpa became a minister, and the other Grandpa was also a minister. Talk about a fishbowl…

I can relate to a great deal of the monolgue: not fitting in; expected to be an adult at age six; becoming skeptical of churches, religion, and even God, himself; jealousy from the congregation emotionally taking away parents; the “back-stage pass”–this is a big one for me; becoming spiritually lost upon moving away from home. I get all of this.

Where my situation is different is that after about age 9 or 10, I became more rebellious. I certainly didn’t lend myself to counseling others or becoming an appendage of the ministry–quite the opposite. I was the PK who was perpetually kicked out of Bible School and Sunday School for challenging authority and questioning the teachings. This behavior pretty much lead to most of my family disowning me for quite a good many years.

The interesting thing about it is that up until right now, at age 33, I thought my situation was unique. Whenever I hear stories online from other PKs, sure, there are the jokes about stereotypes and living under higher scrutiny, but these accounts usually end with the PK reaffirming their love for their parent, for their religion, for their faith, etc. It brings me comfort to realize that indeed, I am not alone.

I admire the Preacher’s Pledge, and believe it could prevent future pain in families of ministers. It doesn’t seem to be something any of the ministers in my family would have agreed with, however. I remember in high school asking to attend another church’s youth group because my friends went there, and this was strictly forbidden–what would it look like to have the preacher’s son attending another church?? So much for show… so little to nurture a spiritual walk with God.

What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, however. Even though there is pain, I wouldn’t change a thing. My journey has made me who I am today, and I kind of like that person.

that’s at least one good point of Catholicism : there’s no such thing as preachers’ kids

Well not a legitimate PK, anyway.

Errr… officially, I mean. In many small villages, people knew the little kid who had one more reason to call the man in black “Father”…

I will say, though, the latter part of his response grieved me a bit. I don’t think he read the pledge closely…

Requesting that ministers not bring their family to church with them is not meant as “an easy way out”. Quite the opposite. I’ll use “God language” here, ’cause I know that’s where your brother’s coming from… If a PK attends the same church their parent serves-and this is especially true at rural churches where the parent is the only minister-they are being put in a situation where their parent is also their minister. This is a dangerous blurring of the boundaries ministers should have. If a minister wants their child to be spiritually fed, they need to send them to another church where they can have a pastor who is not their parent. These are proper boundaries.

And by calling the church a “workplace”, I’m not intending to reduce its importance. Again, using God language….God calls everyone to their jobs, their vocations. For this reason, ministry is not above any other workplace, it is equal to it. And for this reason, every “workplace” is sacred. Moreover, there are a myriad of jobs that are “entrenched in community”. Yet, none of these require that people bring their family to work with them. Why should ministers be any different? There is a parallel that Alex–another reader of this blog–saw, and I agree with him. The pressures of PK’s are very similar to the pressures children of politicians and entertainment professionals have. The smart parents in these professions know: hide the children from the spotlight, for the children did not choose the profession, nor were the children called to it. With this choice, the children grow up happier and more well-adjusted. And, in turn, their parents’ career–their call–flourishes. In the same way, PK’s do not choose to be born into a ministry family, nor are they called to it (though some may feel called to be ministers themselves later on). PK’s deserve to be kept out of the spotlight, out of “the fishbowl” of their parent’s church, as much as possible. Asking this doesn’t reduce the importance of their parent’s call; rather, it enables that call to be served more fully. If a minister’s family is happy and well-adjusted, so will the minister be, and thusly be better equipped to serve their community. The children of ministers should have the choice to go to whatever church they want, or not at all. Every other child has this choice (or at least, they should). PK’s deserve it, too.

I hope this better clarifies the intent of the pledge. Again, I do deeply appreciate your brother reading it and considering it. And thanks again for forwarding it on.

Take care,
Kari

Unfortunately, it is fairly accurate. Life in ministry is often described as a “fish bowl”, particularly in smaller communities. That is, everybody is always looking in at their lives and their families. Their lives are an open book. People naturally take more notice if the pastor’s kid does something wrong. As a result, pastors often feel more pressure to have their families look perfect. People assume that the pastor’s wife will teach sunday school, play organ/piano and be involved in all sorts of things even though in reality, she should not be expected to be more involved than anyone else.
On the flip side, I think this group takes it a bit far. Although there may be circumstances in which it MAY be necessary for some family members to attend another church, that seems to be the easy way out. Instead, pastors need to work to have proper boundaries and likewise, the church needs to recognize the difference between the pastor and his wife (and the difference in their roles).
I also take issue with the idea that the church is viewed as the pastor’s “workplace”. It’s really not that simple and to view it that way denigrates it to simply a job, when it is much more than that. Just because I make my ‘living’ doing it and receive a paycheck doesn’t mean it is simply another line of work that people choose to do. I truly believe that God has called me (and Lindsay) into this ministry. And every ministry (whether paid or volunteer) has sacrifices, but also NEEDS good boundaries. Not because it is a job, but because you are so deeply entrenched in peoples lives.

He didn’t take the pledge, but he’ll probably at least be more aware of how his ministry is affecting his kid(s).

Thanks for clarifying yourself Kari. I was a little worried that you thought that pretty much every PK had a horrible experience or was a phony. (I neglected to read your first comment before I posted) I see you have a much more realistic view than that now.

Thank you, Hemant, for making the correction. And my apologies! I realized that I was consistently misspelling your name all through my last posting. Hemant, not Hermant!

And in response to Cade’s comment, I did want to say…It was not my intention, in the passage you highlighted, to dismiss PK’s that have had positive experiences. Like I expressed in my earlier response to Mike, I’m overjoyed when I hear that PK’s have had positive experiences. And, I have no doubt, that when some PK’s express positive memories online, they are indeed telling the truth. However…it’s been my experience that, in many cases, PK’s only express the positive memories because they’re scared to be honest about the painful ones. Especially in public. I forgot to notate in my monologue (and went back and fixed it) that I have found online forums where PK’s are honest about the pain. In these cases, many only sign their first names or sign no name at all.

But it is true, every PK is different. Some will have better experiences than others. (In truth, I’ve heard stories that are far more painful than mine.) That’s why I think it’s important to raise awareness about what can cause painful experiences; and take steps to ensure that all PK’s everywhere will avoid them. That’s why I created the plege.

I wish the best to your brother and wife and their new little one. And I do appreciate you forwarding the pledge to them, so much.

Kari