05.05.08
Things You Cannot Say in Church
Anne Jackson asked the question in good faith, but you all might take it a bit less seriously.
Which might make it *far* more amusing 
What is something you feel you can’t say in church, or around other Christians?
Some of Anne’s own commenters (mostly Christian, I assume) have some fantastic responses:
- I’d rather look like a good christian than put in the time and effort to actually be one.
- …I just had a drink last night and it tasted really good.
- When I say “I’ll pray for you.” I don’t usually mean it. I have been a Christian for 27 years and I still don’t understand the point of praying.
- oh, and i really really like amy winehouse.
- Why do I have to pray for this crippled guy again? and again? and again?… Why won’t he just get healed already?
Let’s see what the atheists have to say…
Technorati Tags: atheist, atheism
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James said,
May 5, 2008 at 7:49 pm
I got a lot of dirty looks for saying this in church one time:
“Jesus should have died in the first ten minutes of The Passion of the Christ.”
Well… if you saw what they were doing in that movie, you should agree.
Hitek said,
May 5, 2008 at 7:50 pm
“Hmm…Jesus tastes a bit stale today.”
“How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, because God meant for them to stay in the dark.”
Ted Goas said,
May 5, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Hmm…
“Over a millions years ago…”
“I deny the Holy Spirit”
Referring to the Bible as an 800 page sleeping pill…
Flipping through the pages of the Bible and shouting “This thing has no answers!”
Ok, those last two were from The Simpsons…
TolgaK said,
May 5, 2008 at 8:09 pm
*flip to random page*
*read random, nonsensical Bible verse*
“But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt”
I don’t understand. How does this book get you through hard times?
Kathryn said,
May 5, 2008 at 8:12 pm
Can’t point out pastors’ inconsistencies… which kind of sucks.
“I’d rather watch porn than go to church”
“No, actually I don’t feel like praying for you”
“But you don’t actually believe that, right?”
Baa?
anne jackson said,
May 5, 2008 at 8:26 pm
i love how you said i asked the questions in good faith.
hehe.
Sudo said,
May 5, 2008 at 8:27 pm
“Actually, I’m an atheist.”
Cathy said,
May 5, 2008 at 8:27 pm
I once commented to a Catholic nun, after hearing the story of jesus being given a bitter drink on the cross, “Well, you think if you were dying of thirst you should be happy to get anything to drink at all.” She was not amused.
Mike said,
May 5, 2008 at 8:48 pm
1. Prove “god” exists without using the Bible.
2. God is an imaginary friend for adults.
3. Where do dinosaurs come from?
4. A banana is proof of a creator?
I can keep going. They take everything so personally most\some of the time.
Rest said,
May 5, 2008 at 8:53 pm
“Will that wannabe prophet speaking-in-tongues guy ever shut up?”
“The only reason I’m here is because of that cute chick two aisles down.”
“This contemporary Christian music is giving me a really bad headache.”
“Bloody hell, I could be walking my dog.”
“I may be missing a cool blog post on friendlyatheist.com!”
“I actually had a sexual thought and didn’t feel guilty.”
Cade said,
May 5, 2008 at 9:49 pm
“Why are we all sitting in here donating to the church, when people are without food and helpless all over the world.”
Cade said,
May 5, 2008 at 9:50 pm
“Why are we all sitting in here donating to the church, when people are without food and helpless all over the world?”
Creepy said,
May 5, 2008 at 9:54 pm
God giving human beings free will, while being omnipotent and knowing what they’ll do with it, is like leaving a loaded gun accessible to your child.
mike said,
May 5, 2008 at 10:00 pm
@ other Mike above, you stole my name and what I was going to say!
“I’m just here to get over Scientology….baby steps, baby steps.”
I’m too busy, but someone should adapt the scene from Fight Club where Jack and Marla are divvying up support groups. http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Fight-Club.html
J Myers said,
May 5, 2008 at 10:20 pm
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ARAwp-lvI6c
ryot said,
May 5, 2008 at 10:24 pm
“That guy on the cross looks kinda kinky.”
Billy S said,
May 5, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Tell every woman who goes up to the pulpit to shut up, and that she isn’t allowed to speak in church. Yell at people when they start praying, commanding them to pray in the closet. And tell children who have a parent who happens to be at work instead of church that you going to drag the parent into the public square and stone them to death on Monday morning.
Extreme Biblical literalism is a bigger insult to most Christians than blasphemy could ever be.
J Myers said,
May 5, 2008 at 11:02 pm
As alter boy walks past: “I’d hit that.”
To neighbor: “I’m coveting your wife.”
Alter boy: “Eh… I’ve had younger.”
Neighbor: “I’m coveting your ass.”
Alter boy: “Hey! Little boy! I want to **** you in the ***!”
For Lutherans: “Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!”
Josha said,
May 5, 2008 at 11:13 pm
“I read and liked ‘The God Delusion’.”
‘I am an atheist. Yes, that’s right, I do not believe in God.”
‘I don’t really pray…oh yeah and prayer doesn’t work.”
“Faith is not a virtue.”
“‘In God We Trust’ should not be on money.”
Samuel Skinner said,
May 5, 2008 at 11:31 pm
“I don’t believe- I just come to do my part to make the world a worse place.”
“So if the voices tell you not to fight back it is God, but if they tell you to burn things it is Satan? What if they tell you to draw hello kitty?”
“Sin- sure god disapproves, but what is he going to do? Keep me out of heaven? Do you know HOW boring that place is?”
“We are going to tell our kid the truth after he realizes Santa isn’t real. You?”
“You all happen to be heretics- you will burn for eternity!! There I said it.”
“It is a porn bomb!!” (Note- I didn’t make this one up- our current El Presidente accused Clinton of leaving on behind in the office.)
Greta Christina said,
May 6, 2008 at 12:59 am
I gotta say, I don’t know if I could say anything harsher or more critical than the comments people actually made on the original post. I’m actually sort of impressed. A lot of them sound more hard-line atheist than me. I just can’t figure out why half of them keep going to church if that’s how they feel.
The one that made me want to cry:
Damn. If that’s the thing you can’t say in church, there is something seriously wrong.
Greta Christina said,
May 6, 2008 at 1:01 am
Oh, and for the record: I did go to church a couple weeks ago, for the first time in years. And what I wanted to say and felt that I couldn’t was:
‘You are all really nice people, and I still can’t for the life of me figure out why you believe this.”
But maybe we need an atheist version of this. Like: What, if anything, do you feel you can’t say to other atheists, or in the atheosphere?
Javier said,
May 6, 2008 at 1:40 am
“Blessed Be His Noodily Appendage……Ramen”
Zach said,
May 6, 2008 at 2:01 am
The worst beating I ever got was one Sunday when I was sitting at church with my parents and I hadn’t eaten breakfast. The pastor said “and now we will have communion..” As the plate was passed around with wafers and wine (this was an Assemblies of God church) I was hear to exclaim “Alright! Food!”
Katie said,
May 6, 2008 at 3:47 am
Greta, “atheosphere” is an awesome word I have never ever seen before, but it should be used commonly.
In fact, perhaps it should be an actual, physical place.
*registers atheosphere.com*
Vincent said,
May 6, 2008 at 6:51 am
I was raised Catholic. We weren’t allowed to say ANYTHING in church. Church was where you went for an hour and quietly listened to the priest (oh, and occasionally shouted some wrote response).
anne jackson said,
May 6, 2008 at 7:15 am
Greta, if it’s okay, I’d like to post your comment on my blog tomorrow. No commentary. I just want my readers to see that, and to take it in.
Because you’re right.
There obviously needs to be a change within the church. I think many times we are just walking through the motions instead of truly exploring what our faith means.
Thank you.
TXatheist said,
May 6, 2008 at 7:49 am
God damn it ! Jesus f**king christ ! You know, when you stub your toe
Polly said,
May 6, 2008 at 10:28 am
“Mormons ARE Xians”
“So what if they had sex?”…”And in any case, SO DID YOU!”
“Gee, Ecclesiastes talks about death as if it’s final. I guess they didn’t believe in Heaven or Hell.”
If unbelievers go to Hell, why does JC say in JOHN 3:16, that they will “perish” instead of “go to Hell.”
Athe the False said,
May 6, 2008 at 11:21 am
“No, really, that doesn’t make any sense!”
Though, I did say this, my first time attending a church in between fourth and fifth grades. The cultist at the front of the room was seriously telling people that “Jesus wants you to give 110% to him”
Even at that age, I thought that was a pretty stupid thing. Hey, Jesus, what about people with families and jobs?
Okay, for one that I haven’t said and probably wouldn’t :
“Why are ignorance and credulity treated as virtues?”
Ben said,
May 6, 2008 at 11:48 am
“That’s not right,, because…” (after priest / religion class instructor made some claim.) Contrast that with biology class, chemistry class, physics class, math class, English class…
Jason said,
May 6, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Why does evil exist? I thought God was all loving and all powerful, but evil still exists. Is he incapable but wants to? Then he’s weak. Is he capable but doesn’t want to? Then he’s wicked. He took away our free will to travel in time with our minds the same way we travel a road with our feet, but why couldn’t he make people simply incapable of killing another human being?
And if you are at a debate with the Rational Response Squad and The Comfort/Cameron party, one that you shouldn’t ask is “Why does cancer exist?”, because the answer you’ll get won’t address your question at all.
Modusoperandi said,
May 6, 2008 at 12:56 pm
“Who farted?”
“Anybody know where I can score some pot?”
*stands up in conservative Protestant church*
“I’m quite certain that we are not in the End Times.” or
“I think that this will really help you.”, then hand out copies of The Watchtower or Hustler.
*quietly reads biology textbook in conservative Protestant church*
“I think this Darwin fellow might be on to something…”
obfg said,
May 6, 2008 at 12:56 pm
“Can I have some schmeer with that cracker?”
Polly said,
May 6, 2008 at 3:41 pm
This could’ve been another contest.
Modusoperandi said,
May 6, 2008 at 4:36 pm
*While receiving communion wafer*
“Is it kosher?”
Greta Christina said,
May 6, 2008 at 5:24 pm
“Greta, if it’s okay, I’d like to post your comment on my blog tomorrow. No commentary”
Yes. You have my permission. I’ll be interested to see how people respond to it. Thanks!
D said,
May 6, 2008 at 5:46 pm
“…Are you serious?”
bullet said,
May 6, 2008 at 5:55 pm
I don’t know about any other ex-Catholics, but I was usually watching the hot teenage girls going up for Communion and imagining them naked.
I should probably mention at this point that I haven’t been to church since I graduated from college.
And, this is true, “I wish I wasn’t tripping balls right now”
Autumnal Harvest said,
May 6, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Greta, I don’t know that the responses strike me as particularly atheist. Some of the quoted ones above are harsh, but also, I think just honest and human. I mean, hey, I don’t try to look like a “good Christian,” as I’m not one, but it might be fair to say that “I’d rather look like a good
Christianperson than put in the time and effort to actually be one.” And I never pray for anyone, but the sentiment behind “When I say ‘I’ll pray for you.’ I don’t usually mean it” doesn’t strike me as all that foreign to the way most theists and atheists, myself included, act.The full comment thread on that blog is pretty interesting. I thought I’d pull some of the comments out for those who don’t head over there, since they’re pretty interesting. Some seem so sad:
Some are strikingly honest:
And some are, um, different:
hoverFrog said,
May 7, 2008 at 5:02 am
*laughing* Brilliant, you should do stand up….what, it’s not a joke?
Jason said,
May 7, 2008 at 7:51 am
Autumnal Harvest: The third comment is so riddled with “ridiculous” that I found myself needing to respond to it, but am speechless. This individual (I’m supposing the poster of that comment was a woman) is so stuck in her deluded box of joy that she is convinced that people only grow penises and vaginas when Satan influences them.
Tony Konrath said,
May 7, 2008 at 8:48 am
Everyone. Listen up! Don’t use the holy water! The font boiled when I walked in and I don’t want anyone scalded.
Scotty B said,
May 7, 2008 at 9:30 am
I think it would be funny to find the face of Darwin in a communion wafer.
anne jackson said,
May 7, 2008 at 9:58 am
Greta-thank you!!! I just posted it.
D Rho said,
May 7, 2008 at 2:04 pm
This is the funniest blog I’ve read in a long time! These comments are great!
Confession: I’m a Christian, but I love this blog. Linking you right now.
Creepy said,
May 7, 2008 at 9:44 pm
“Catholic school girls rule!”
Joni said,
May 8, 2008 at 9:46 am
“Everyone. Listen up! Don’t use the holy water! The font boiled when I walked in and I don’t want anyone scalded.”
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!
Victoria said,
May 13, 2008 at 7:15 am
“WAAAH!! Now everyone report to the dance floor alright stop- PAjama TIME! just lose it…” and eevryone starts f*cking off in the middle of church…i had a dream about that once…which was really creepy because the last church i went to 13 years ago was all old ladys and 2 really ancient guys (I think one of them is actually dead now), this 23 yr old guy, and me. so you can just IMAGINE what that dream was likee……….SO CREEPY O,..,O
Joseph said,
June 17, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Autumnal Harvest, I so appreciate the objectivity you display in responding to this post. If the truth be told, I imagine that Anne’s post was meant to start a dialog about the apparent hypocrisy that is often displayed in churches because of the disparity between what we say and the way we feel. However, like you so rightly stated, these things are not exclusive to Christians and we are simply trying to figure out the best way to live out our faith in a way that makes it more appealing to those who might be looking for answers in the Church. People like you make it so easy to bridge the ‘gap’ that sadly exists between Christians and others who believe differently than we do. Thank you.