I’m only a teenager and I’m afraid of roller coasters and scary movies, nevermind an almighty God who can send me to a fiery furnace with the teeth and stuff. I mean, saying “If I have to go burn for eternity in pain, then so be it” is easy to say, but I’m not sure if I’d truly be able to do such a thing. I don’t really know if I’m Atheist, because even though I think to myself “does this make sense..How horrible…wtf..wow that guys hot” in Church, I also feel a little bit of fear of damnation and all that. I guess I’m “Agnostic”.

But if he was real, I might just have to convert too. That, or get Philip Pullman and go find Lord Asriel, since book characters are apparently coming to life.

At least Satan is consistent. As the great adversary I’d prefer to sign up with him against the big guy. Unless either could show that they’d been terribly misrepresented.

History is written by the winners. So of course the bible is biased against Satan. It all started when he wanted to give knowledge to Adma and Eve, God got pissy and decided to tarnish Satan’s reputation. So I’m “down” with Mr. S, pitchforks never go out of style.

Your UU joke sounds a great deal like what I encountered in the churches I attended in my teens. Which is one reason why I had an unrealistically positive view of “believers” before the whackaloon fundies took over the US government.

Now I want to see all the theistic, supernatural, religious stuff gone forever. It’s poison, worse than crystal meth.

In this joke, the two UUs are surprised to find out that this part of what they thought was Christian mythology was true and St. Peter tells them that all it was true.

St. Peter also says that both UUs are good persons and are eligible to go to heaven.

One UU asks about hell and St. Peter says “yes … there are some who are condemned to an eternity of torture in hell too.”

The two UUs decide at this point to remain outside heaven at the pearly gates where they start walking a picket line and protest God’s unfair policies of eternal damnation.

And they spend eternity walking a picket line and protesting God’s injustice.

I’d ask him why, if he made us in his own image, did he not realize that we’d be both curious and really bad with obedience.

I’d ask him if, in his infinite wisdom, he’d ever thought of proportional punishment (as he has a habit of going overboard with such things).

I’d ask him why he didn’t write “Thou shalt not kill” as “Thou shalt not kill, unless they’re in the way, or I order it. Oh, be sure to run the broads and the brats through, too. Keep the girl virgins for yourselves, though, wink-wink”, as a disturbing amount of Joshua (and, to a lesser extent, Exodus, if memory serves) is exactly that. Apologist logic that makes bad good notwithstanding…why the children?

If he’s the Evangelical’s god (with “evolution is a crock”, “6,000 year old universe”, “worldwide flood”, “no common descent”, and the like…although god varies enough even under Evangelicals that some will, no doubt, disagree with some or all of those), I’d ask why he went through all the work of making the real world specifically not match up, or conflict with, the book. Let’s face it, a world where Ken Ham and Duane Gish are right, while pretty much every branch of science is, at best, way-way off is…odd, and uncomfortably so.

Lastly, I’d ask why he gives children cancer.

Depending on the answers to these questions, and any others that pop up along the way, I’d either bow the knee and beg forgiveness for being human (how messed up does that sound? “I’m sorry, LORD, for being exactly what you planned me to be.”), or I’d take my licks and go to the firey place, with the wailing and gnashing of teeth. The answers would have to be pretty good (perfect, in fact) for me to willingly do the former. In the very least, choosing the first would require me to redefine words like “love”, “mercy”, and “justice”.