03.14.08
Complete the Atheist Joke #4
Got a punchline…?
How do you make an atheist mad?
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Tom said,
March 14, 2008 at 6:31 pm
I don’t know, but I know how you make an atheist.
OUT OF CLAY.
hoverFrog said,
March 14, 2008 at 6:38 pm
“Tell him that he may not believe in God but God believes in him.”
“Tell him you’ll pray for him.”
“Tell him he’s not being open minded by being skeptical.”
“Splash him with holy water and tell him he’s blessed.”
“You can’t, atheists are already mad.”
the Shaggy said,
March 14, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Accept his worldview without listening to his evidence.
Shalini said,
March 14, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Tell him that you can disprove the idea of there being no god, but there is no way he would be able to disprove the existence of god because god simply IS there.
webwombat said,
March 14, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Key his karma and kick his dogma
Darwin's Dagger said,
March 14, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Flush a copy of “The God Delusion” down the toilet. Draw a cartoon featuring Charles Darwin.
Relax said,
March 14, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Try to convert his dog to religion.
Jane said,
March 14, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Cut her off in traffic.
Ashes said,
March 14, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Easy — Tell him/her that Christians are traditionally nomads. (Yay for puns!)
Susan B. said,
March 14, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Poke her with a sharp stick.
Tim D. said,
March 14, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Give him a Bible for his birthday. Seriously, Jake, not cool.
Drew said,
March 14, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Give birth to a baby instead of aborting it.
Kai said,
March 14, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Recite the US Pledge of Allegience after 1954.
Smite her.
Circumsize him.
Scott said,
March 14, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Show him/her a picture of Kirk Cameron.
Lenny Rachitsky said,
March 14, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Call him an agnostic!
Lenny Rachitsky said,
March 14, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Tell him Jesus still loves him.
sam said,
March 14, 2008 at 9:40 pm
listen to his evidence that there is now god, but still have faith anyway.
kill him to show him how wrong he was.
strike him with your lighting bolt
Joe said,
March 14, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Tell them Big Bang and Evolution are flawed because you can’t make something out of nothing.
Josha said,
March 14, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Scoff and say there’s no such thing as a Flying Spaghetti Monster.
After finding a chip that resembles an ancient religious figure, call it a sign from god that indubitably proves his existence.
Call atheism a religion.
Woodwose said,
March 14, 2008 at 10:38 pm
After a delicate life saving operation where your doctor has pulled you through by use of his skills, training, and determination; complete strangers have donated blood or organs; and you have had the singleness of purpose and guts to participate in rehabilitation and treatment regimes , say “I think you should thank god you made it.”
Richard Wade said,
March 14, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Tell him he’s angry when he’s not.
Tell him about any of his thoughts or feelings rather than asking him.
Tell him if he doesn’t act like a complete asshole around theists then he’s a Neville Chamberlain atheist.
Tell him he’s acting like a complete asshole around theists just because he’s politely disagreeing with them.
Milena said,
March 14, 2008 at 11:35 pm
Call her a fool repeatedly and attempt to back up your claim with BANANAS!
Jeff said,
March 14, 2008 at 11:59 pm
Teach creationism instead of the scientific method in school.
Teaching young children that if they don’t believe in Jesus Christ, they will go to Hell and be tortured forever.
bugsoup said,
March 15, 2008 at 12:19 am
Tell them you don’t have enough faith to be an Atheist.
Mention “New Atheism”
Claim you are offended by someone comparing your God to fairies, Santa Clause, or The Flying Spaghetti Monster without addressing the reasons for disbelief in those entities.
Warn them of their impending hellfire appointment.
Richard Wade said,
March 15, 2008 at 12:20 am
Consistently spell it “athiest”
After he’s poked dozens of holes in your argument, tell him with a condescending tone that you’ll pray for him.
Ring his doorbell on Saturday morning to offer him your religious literature and a membership in your religious organization.
Come back two weeks later even though he asked you not to.
Talk about love with an undertone of contempt.
Say the U.S. is a “Christian nation.”
Accept all the gifts of science but none of the responsibility when it doesn’t flatter your ego or soothe your childish fears.
Dismiss the importance of empirical evidence in general until it proves that you are innocent of a serious crime.
Suggest that he live in the first century and the twenty-first century at the same time like you do.
Say he’s too nice to be an atheist.
Billy S said,
March 15, 2008 at 12:42 am
Call him out on the insidious influence that he has on America’s Christian heritage and culture. Tell him how immoral he is, how he has no basis for morality, and that he is only an atheist so that he can have promiscuous sex with firemen and labradors without feeling guilt for the possibility of our Divine Father’s judgment. Tell him how religion has never done any wrong, how science is a farce, how God is a clear Truth in all things around us, but the foolish atheist just refuses to acknowledge it. And then lament at the persecution that he rains upon your head, and express how typical this behavior is for atheists….
Or just take away his daily roast toddler and sin sandwich…atheists become very agitated when they are not given the freedom to feast upon innocent Christian children, and indulge in their own wretchedness…
Spurs Fan said,
March 15, 2008 at 12:46 am
If he’s a gay atheist, tell him “God made Adam and Eve; not Adam and Steve!”
Linda said,
March 15, 2008 at 1:20 am
Tell him that every atheist is a Christian waiting to be born.
ash said,
March 15, 2008 at 3:06 am
imbalance their chemicals
GoDamn said,
March 15, 2008 at 6:22 am
Tell her that she actually believes in god. That is why she calls herself ‘A Theist’.
Tell her all modern technology is due to god working through humans.
When she proves you don’t really follow your god and so, dont believe in him and are an atheist, tell her, “You made some good points. I must be an atheist. Ill pray about this to Jesus tonight and ask for his opinion”.
Tell her, “You are intolerant for refusing to accept my intolerat views”.
Say “If man can artificially impregnate a virgin woman, how hard would that be for god?”
jtradke said,
March 15, 2008 at 10:03 am
Take away my bag of frozen babies. I WAS SAVING THOSE FOR THE SPRING EQUINOX BACCHANALIA, MOM!
txatheist said,
March 15, 2008 at 10:43 am
State the bible is literal history.
Spurs Fan said,
March 15, 2008 at 11:40 am
Tell him/her, “I don’t hate Atheists. Some of my best friends are atheists!”
kshack said,
March 15, 2008 at 2:14 pm
She tells you that not teaching your children about jesus is child abuse. Says she’s going to call child protective services, and that you’re condemning your child’s immortal soul to hell.
QrazyQat said,
March 15, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Have a rabid Christian bite him.
Linda said,
March 15, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Say to your kids, “C’mon honey, it’s not nice to stare,” as you gently pull them away from the atheist.
ansuzmannaz said,
March 15, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Plant fossil rabbits in the precambrian. Then, when they’re excavated, have them ascend up to “heaven.”
sam said,
March 15, 2008 at 6:34 pm
kill his dog
Rosie said,
March 15, 2008 at 11:22 pm
confuse abiogenesis with the theory of evolution
Brandon said,
March 16, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Know only one credible scientist and assume the god he’s talking about is the same as yours.
Neron said,
March 17, 2008 at 2:30 am
Atheist thank’s to god…
Fuck, it’s annoying
Rene Horn said,
March 17, 2008 at 3:52 am
Throw a Bible at her while screaming, “I am filled with Christ’s love!”
I love that movie.
PS I know that she wasn’t really an atheist, but it was still a funny scene.
jdcollins said,
March 17, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Ask, “So if we evolved from monkeys, how come monkeys still exist?”
p.s. I’ve tried to debate this moronic argument many times and just get blank stares.
Joe said,
March 17, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Tell him or her, “Jesus loves you!” and expectantly await their immediate conversion.
Surprise them with a banana.
Derek said,
March 18, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Take away his civil liberties in the interest of national security.
Stephanie said,
April 5, 2008 at 1:59 pm
You ask them why they don’t believe. They always have some terrible thing that has happened to them. Somethng in their church when they were a kid. Or God didn’t save someone they loved. They died a horrible death, and where was this loving God? Basically, you confront them with the fact that they have always known, God DOES exist, but why wasn’t he there for me?
And that is why they get so angry.
Jacob Dink said,
April 5, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Hmm, Stephanie, I think you need to work on your jokes…
Also, that’s never happened to me (never lost anyone, life kicks ass), and I don’t believe in God. Does that mean I’m not an Atheist? Or that you’re being silly?