We’re moving in together soon and he already told me that his mom wants him marrying a Christian woman. I think we can make it work but he fears that the more he changes the less I’ll love him. I love him more than anything, and don’t want him to give up on our relationship just because of our different beliefs.

Thank you for this story, I had my boyfriend read it and we’re both determined to make this work.

EDIT: @Matthew: There’s nothing wrong with that, if that’s what you believe. It’s just not what the “religiously inclined” (and by that I assume you’re referring mainly to Christians) believe, and there are some who feel it is their sworn duty to make you believe what they believe. Why, I don’t know, because sharing your beliefs should never be a forced action, but that’s for an evangelical Christian to answer, not me. *shrug*

Why can’t we just be dead when we die? We wouldn’t be floating there all dead and in limbo, we wouldn’t be stuck in a hole in the ground or in an urn somewhere. I can’t remember who said it but I completely agree with the person that said, “I was dead for millions of years before I was alive and I wasn’t inconvenienced in the slightest”.

I’m asking a serious question to the religiously inclined here. What if we’re just dead when we die? Why would that be so bad?

PS Congrats to all those that have made their relationships work in this scenario. Personally, as an atheist, I just don’t think I could make it work if I was married to someone that believed in a personal god that intervenes. It may sound horrible, but I really have a hard time respecting someone that believes that.

I have been giving this some thought now.
To have a faith, any faith, is like being in a room. And to take on a new faith is like stepping through a door and standing in a different room. If you are two people with different beliefs you are essentially standing in two different rooms. No matter how much you talk about, explain or try to share it from each side of the door, you cannot see the other room, and you can’t be together in that place unless one goes one way or the other.
So the question is: Are you happy about living in separate rooms in this area of your life? It’s not a “talking area”, it’s an “I’m either okey with this or not”. I’m not okey with it, because I love my new room, but I can’t share it with the one I love the most. And it is incredibly lonely. It makes me sad, heavy of heart, and it surely affects him when I am this way.

Jainy, you seem to be okey with it, as is my boyfriend. You are wonderful for being so open and loving about it, trying to make it easier for him. What I realize though is that no matter how much my boyfriend appreciate and respect me, there is just no way he’ll be able to stand with me in this beautiful room, and experience what I experience. What I don’t understand though, is why he is fine with me not sharing his place. It could be the impact that this life has on me, I don’t know, but it’s difficult for sure.
I can’t know what it’s like to be an atheist until I’ve lived it. You can understand on an intellectual level and respect and appreciate it, but you can’t live it. Living a christian life is such a life directing lifestyle. I foresee many hard conflicts for the both me and you.

I am fine with close friends being Atheists or Gnostics, I think most of mine are! But when it comes to someone so close, so intimate, the one to share my everything with. It just meets that wall hard.

I suggest that you show your boyfriend what you have written here. You have expressed it all very well. Wherever your relationship goes, the essential thing is that both of you must be true to yourselves, and respect that the other must be true to themselves as well. Only then would you have any chance to be true to each other.

But if even then, the differences cannot be reconciled, the gaps cannot be bridged, then because of that same truthfulness you will both know that you were both honorable and fair with each other, that neither was false or insincere. From that, both of you can move on, and heal, and in time find partners who are more fitting. Even though you did not end up together, you both will be better off for having been together for a while.

The Star-Crossed Lovers is the oldest tale. It has been lived and told, lived and re-told over and over for hundreds of centuries. We never tire of telling it, never tire of hearing it, but we never seem to learn from it. We keep on living it, one more time. Young people seem helpless in their love. Their hearts and heads do not connect. They would not have any hope for other couples in just such a predicament, but they cling to their own dreams of somehow, somehow, somehow…

Their love is beautiful in its foolishness, whether it is the blithe ignorance or the stubborn defiance of the unlikeliness of what they desire. Such sad beauty is the stuff of poems and songs. I praise and thank all foolish lovers, whether they stay together or not, for their quintessential humanity.

Thank you so much for your reply. I think you hit the nail when you mention the fear of rejection. I struggle to see how he could possibly wish to discuss and talk deeply and exploratively about these things with me, even though he says he does. I just fear that we will come to a point where there will be a very clear cleft between us.

And what about the day when we get older, and I have to get up every day with my faith that he will not be there with me after this life.
I can see why that will never be an issue for him because he doesn’t see anything after death. But I do.

I think… I probably know the answer to this already, but it’s just very good to get input and hear others experiences. And I am very glad that you two are doing so well, it’s definitely encouraging! At least I know my boyfriend wouldn’t break up with me just cause I changed my beliefs or views, many Christian guys don’t think like that.

I have had to re-learn much of my approach and expectations in relationships. However I excpect that even in relationships where both parties believe the same things…this is probably normal.

I have found though that I can discuss things deep and personal w/ him…I just had to change my expectation of how the conversation might go, or what he would say. I had to get over my fear of his rejection. It’s not always an easy thing mind you….but I have learned he LOVES me and wants to talk about these things w/ me. I may not get all the spirutal goosebumps as I had w/ people I dated in the past….but that is okay too. Those moments are personal and I have and am continuing to learn to be okay with them just being mine.

That being said…if you really think you could not foresee a happy future w/ this person, I wouldn’t cont. w/ the relationship. I could see a happy future…even if it was hard work….trust your guts. That is a big bold statement to make and rather than making it about beliefs…make sure you aren’t seeing other red-flags leading your heart and mind to such a struggle. Sometimes someone is jut not the right person for you and it has nothing to do w/ any personal belief system.

I have some questions to those Christians out there dating or in wedlock with atheists (or have other religious beliefs entering the picture).

My question is: Does it ever get lonely?

I am a Christian myself, my boyfriend is a Gnostic. We love each other very much, but I have some serious fears about continuing in our relationship. I don’t want to change him for the world, if he does it’ll be on his own accord. However, I fear that I myself might get a problem eventually if I start connecting more to my Christian friends and family than I do to him. It’s not a hobby, it’s a lifestyle after all. When I’d need a partner who could share with me and help guide me in my life through the word I believe in, then I’ll not have that option.
I am a very sensitive girl, I’ll struggle if I gotta have an ongoing mental tugging and turmoil, I got to look out for myself. And I just dread the many times when I’d wish I could talk over something really deep in the perspective of how God sees it, and just not have the opportunity. Does this make sense?

Ps: A big thank for opening such a warm and friendly site, it is so nice to know there are friendly Atheists too! Afraid the judgmental experiences go both way, had so many hurtful insults comments through the years.